Have you ever felt a wheel spinning your chest that you can’t stop? Like the pages of life are turning too fast for you to keep up? "I missed the last line. I want to go back. I want to take control of this spiraling machine of my existence..."
Everything seems so far beyond my grasp sometimes. How can I come to terms with the fact that, ultimately, much of life is out of my hands? Yes, I make choices. I do things. I pick my thoughts and choose my opinions. But many other factors exist simultaneously, things outside of my realm that affect me.
I am starting a new job on Monday, leaving employment I enjoy and coworkers I love. My current work environment is a blessing. I have no guarantees as to what the new world will be. But for many reasons, I know for certain it is the best possible move I could make. Things are moving naturally. However, it’s a vastly different work situation that will require a reconstruction of my daily routine. I know this, so I have been clinging to the routine I currently follow. Next week, I fear it will be shattered to pieces.
And so it might be. But I will not be shattered. I will simply evolve and learn new ways of being. The new is okay. The new is the best that can be. It is leading me to a more fully actualized self. I am excited for this.
I often feel the most out of control when I eat more than usual. I have the sense that I am hanging out to dry, the wind whipping me around on a string. I want to be hungry again. I like knowing that I will be ready when the next meal time comes. But this desire for certain hunger precludes my ability to experience satisfaction. The fact is, I am satisfied in this moment. This moment is full, but still I lean forward into a moment I can’t see, dissolving my experience of real fullness.
This constant shunning of the very satisfaction I seek relates directly to my world outside of food. Right now, my life is solid. My job is good and constant. But I ignore that and focus on the unknowns of next week. I forget that I can feel satisfied now and not worry about the future. Everything will be fine. I am allowed to embrace the current moment, and still be aware that it will all change come Monday morning.
Tomorrow is my last day, but this does not mean my life will end there or be totally ransacked. I can enjoy the stability of today and not dwell on the uncertainty of tomorrow. Who cares what Monday will be? Today is splendid. Today, I cannot be too satisfied. Life is perfect, just as it is.
Affirmation after affirmation, the wheel still turns. An undercurrent of speculation and uncertainty runs just below the surface of everything. I can’t make it disappear despite all my attempts to rationalize it away.
Thankfully, I can choose to feel that feeling. I can own that feeling and not act in unhealthy ways. Today, I can feel anxious and not binge, not starve, not yell at people. I can be myself, admit my anxiety, and go on. I can do incredibly fun things today, even in this moment. I can do the same tomorrow – and every day, even though I don’t know where I might be.
I am safe right now. This is the truth. My stressful feelings are safe. My thoughts are safe. My schedule for today is safe. My behaviors are safe. I can make the choice to live in a positive way. I make the choice to stand strong in who I am and give love to those around me. I don’t have to focus on anything beyond this moment.
Enjoy RIGHT NOW, my friends. This moment is as perfect as it could ever be; don’t dismiss it by worrying over moments to come. Those will be perfect, too.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Sweet and Salty - Mmmmm
This is not a typical post, but I have to take a moment to rave about the Mountain Mix flavor Clif Mojo Bar. I have long been a fan of Luna bars, a Clif brand product designed specifically for women, but this new discovery rocks my world. Just as advertised, the Clif Mojo bar combines sweet and salty in a truly irresistible fashion. In the Mountain Mix bar, pretzels, chocolate chips, raisins, and nuts join together in a harmony of texture and taste rarely experienced in an energy bar. My tastebuds thank you, Clif.
In my world, a great organic snack can make the day a little brighter, so I couldn't keep this discovery a secret. (Of course, don't forget good LUNA.) For more organic energy treats and information geared toward active folks, check out http://www.clifbar.com/.
And no, I am not being paid by Clif Bar and Company. I'm just a gal who sometimes feels like she lives on energy bars and fruit. Plus, I'm never able to fully engage in life unless I have first taken care of myself. Little conveniences like energy bars help me satisfy one kind of hunger without having to give the planning of a snack unnecessary time and attention. Passing on a little love...
Sunday, March 2, 2008
Is My Best Always Good Enough?
What if your best isn't good enough? What if someone else's best isn't good enough? What if it is?
Sometimes, I try my hardest and best to do something, whether in advancing my career, writing music, being a friend, eating appropriately, resting enough, doing new things, etc., and I come up short. I disappoint myself or all my striving leaves me exhausted and frustrated. Sometimes, my efforts are thwarted by external events or unexpected turns in the day. I live each moment as well as I can, but oftentimes, the moment itself somewhat limits my choices. Although I might want to take care of myself or do something that needs doing, I am unable to because I cannot overcome the constraints of the situation. This frustrates me.
For instance, I might go to a place where I want to tell someone something, but I never get a chance to talk to him or her. Perhaps the person I want to talk to avoids me, or someone else shows up whose presence makes the conversation I desire inappropriate. As another example, say I am hungry and need to eat. I go out to dinner with friends, but whatever I order is not enough to satisfy me. Things happen, and I am trapped with them for a while doing other things, unable to get the needed nourishment despite my efforts to take care of myself. In the end, I go home tired and hungry, afraid I might binge and frustrated that I could not meet my needs in the way I wanted.
In such instances, I feel inadequate. Of course, it's unreasonable to expect that I could somehow transcend the bounds of circumstance all the time. I cannot be perfect and cannot control everything. Still, sometimes I feel like I could have worked harder to find a quiet place to chat with my friend or simply ordered something different at the restaurant. I forget that I did my best at the time because that best wasn't good enough.
Or was it?
This thought challenges me. Could my best, no matter how many times it doesn't seem to measure up, always be good enough?
Yes, it can. I can continue doing my best in the next moment and the next. Eventually, all those little bests, even if it seems like I didn't do much, add up to huge success. It just takes longer to see.
Disheartening events like these can also teach me how to be more comfortable in difficult situations. I tried one way of behaving, and I let myself down. Well, then, I can choose to try something different next time. If I want an alternate outcome, I must take steps other than the ones I took before, even if it's only changing subtle things.
Facing that initial disappointment can be a struggle, though, thinking, "If I had only done X, Y, and Z..." "Ugh, how did I mess up so badly?" However, those feelings and thoughts pass as I choose to do my best in THIS moment, which means forgiving myself and being gentle. I can go on and use all of my experiences to my advantage. I am constantly learning to love myself and laugh at the moments when I tried my best but still slipped a little. "Hey, girl," I say, "at least you gave it a shot. How about a hug?"
This brings me to a second point about which I've drawn far fewer conclusions. What about when others do their best and still let me down? I see people trying to love me, trying to be kind, but what they give or what they say helps not at all or even hurts. What if circumstances prevent well-intentioned people from coming through in the ways I need?
This stings. I love those people. I appreciate their attempts at love. But how close do I let them get? If they hurt me even when they truly have the best in mind for me, do I reach back out to them? Do I let them know me intimately?
People in my past have hurt me and then, much later, come to my rescue. Is it worth it to wait for people to figure out how to love me? Or should I simply work harder on myself, learning what I need and how to ask for it directly? I would like to be able to ask for the kind of love I truly need. Trouble is, I'm often still figuring out what that is, and sometimes I want people who will know what I need better than I. How much should I invest in the lives of those who will possibly never possess that skill?
In the absence of firm answers to these questions about the love of other people, I can turn the survey inward. What about when I repeatedly fail myself, despite the best of intentions? How do I continue to love myself even when I do things that harm me? Anyone who has struggled with addictive behaviors and other strongholds knows these concepts intimately.
Perhaps, like what I must learn to do when dealing with others who don't know how to love, I must learn what makes me feel loved and ask for it. I can ask myself to give the kind of love that helps instead of resorting to old behaviors that have proved themselves repeatedly unsatisfying. I can make new habits as I learn how much better they make me feel.
During this process, I gain a brighter picture of life. I always do my best, even though sometimes my best doesn't measure up to the standards I have in my head. In reality, those standards don't exist, only this moment and the opportunity to do the best with it I can. The past is gone and can be used as a learning tool for RIGHT NOW. This moment can be exactly what I wish it to be. I am always good enough.
Sometimes, I try my hardest and best to do something, whether in advancing my career, writing music, being a friend, eating appropriately, resting enough, doing new things, etc., and I come up short. I disappoint myself or all my striving leaves me exhausted and frustrated. Sometimes, my efforts are thwarted by external events or unexpected turns in the day. I live each moment as well as I can, but oftentimes, the moment itself somewhat limits my choices. Although I might want to take care of myself or do something that needs doing, I am unable to because I cannot overcome the constraints of the situation. This frustrates me.
For instance, I might go to a place where I want to tell someone something, but I never get a chance to talk to him or her. Perhaps the person I want to talk to avoids me, or someone else shows up whose presence makes the conversation I desire inappropriate. As another example, say I am hungry and need to eat. I go out to dinner with friends, but whatever I order is not enough to satisfy me. Things happen, and I am trapped with them for a while doing other things, unable to get the needed nourishment despite my efforts to take care of myself. In the end, I go home tired and hungry, afraid I might binge and frustrated that I could not meet my needs in the way I wanted.
In such instances, I feel inadequate. Of course, it's unreasonable to expect that I could somehow transcend the bounds of circumstance all the time. I cannot be perfect and cannot control everything. Still, sometimes I feel like I could have worked harder to find a quiet place to chat with my friend or simply ordered something different at the restaurant. I forget that I did my best at the time because that best wasn't good enough.
Or was it?
This thought challenges me. Could my best, no matter how many times it doesn't seem to measure up, always be good enough?
Yes, it can. I can continue doing my best in the next moment and the next. Eventually, all those little bests, even if it seems like I didn't do much, add up to huge success. It just takes longer to see.
Disheartening events like these can also teach me how to be more comfortable in difficult situations. I tried one way of behaving, and I let myself down. Well, then, I can choose to try something different next time. If I want an alternate outcome, I must take steps other than the ones I took before, even if it's only changing subtle things.
Facing that initial disappointment can be a struggle, though, thinking, "If I had only done X, Y, and Z..." "Ugh, how did I mess up so badly?" However, those feelings and thoughts pass as I choose to do my best in THIS moment, which means forgiving myself and being gentle. I can go on and use all of my experiences to my advantage. I am constantly learning to love myself and laugh at the moments when I tried my best but still slipped a little. "Hey, girl," I say, "at least you gave it a shot. How about a hug?"
This brings me to a second point about which I've drawn far fewer conclusions. What about when others do their best and still let me down? I see people trying to love me, trying to be kind, but what they give or what they say helps not at all or even hurts. What if circumstances prevent well-intentioned people from coming through in the ways I need?
This stings. I love those people. I appreciate their attempts at love. But how close do I let them get? If they hurt me even when they truly have the best in mind for me, do I reach back out to them? Do I let them know me intimately?
People in my past have hurt me and then, much later, come to my rescue. Is it worth it to wait for people to figure out how to love me? Or should I simply work harder on myself, learning what I need and how to ask for it directly? I would like to be able to ask for the kind of love I truly need. Trouble is, I'm often still figuring out what that is, and sometimes I want people who will know what I need better than I. How much should I invest in the lives of those who will possibly never possess that skill?
In the absence of firm answers to these questions about the love of other people, I can turn the survey inward. What about when I repeatedly fail myself, despite the best of intentions? How do I continue to love myself even when I do things that harm me? Anyone who has struggled with addictive behaviors and other strongholds knows these concepts intimately.
Perhaps, like what I must learn to do when dealing with others who don't know how to love, I must learn what makes me feel loved and ask for it. I can ask myself to give the kind of love that helps instead of resorting to old behaviors that have proved themselves repeatedly unsatisfying. I can make new habits as I learn how much better they make me feel.
During this process, I gain a brighter picture of life. I always do my best, even though sometimes my best doesn't measure up to the standards I have in my head. In reality, those standards don't exist, only this moment and the opportunity to do the best with it I can. The past is gone and can be used as a learning tool for RIGHT NOW. This moment can be exactly what I wish it to be. I am always good enough.
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