Sunday, July 27, 2008

Addendum to "Admitting the Truth"

Bottom line: Food will never be enough to satisfy me. Food is fuel for LIFE. The insatiable hunger is for the nourishing, beautiful life I know is possible. Food simply provides the energy to fully enjoy and experience that life. Mouth watering yet?

Admitting the Truth

When I sit down to eat, I sit down with myself. It has been a long time since I had a bowl of cereal - a simple concoction of grains and milk, maybe some fruit or cinnamon added for pizzazz. I just finished eating one. Delicious. I was hungry.

For months, I've been attempting to sate this hunger within, a hunger fueled by long bike rides, walks, and all my daily energy expenditures, with fruit and energy bars. I eat more than four or five times per day easily. I eat all the things I feel comfortable with. But it's never enough. I don't WANT to eat the things that will help me sustain my weight. I don't WANT the high-fat and/or high-calorie foods I've long avoided. But in order to survive, I have to start asking myself if I should try these foods I don't want, just to see if I like them enough to reintroduce them to my diet.

I'm living on the teetering edge, it seems. That's how I feel. My mother commented this weekend that I was looking thin. She asked if I was doing anything about it. I told her, honestly this time (as opposed to many years ago when I never really tried), that I was working on eating more, that I am working on eating until I am satisfied. The only difficulty with this lately is that I never feel satisfied. I want so much more than is normal. And I believe this is because I am underweight. Of course, my mom is the only one with guts enough to say it aloud, perhaps because she's one of the few who understand the havoc this disorder can wreak. That is why, instead of doubting her (For who can help but doubt the over-protectiveness that comes with being a mom?), I'm believing her.

Admitting this now scares me. I want to be a normal weight. I know that the thoughts about food and the focus on food diminish when I eat enough and reach a healthy weight. But I have yet to fully step over the food hurdle. I have broken through with many fear foods in the last year. But it's time for more. I long for FULL recovery, and that takes "risky" moves sometimes.

Right now, I'm just below where I want to be weight and diet-wise. Notice that I said, "where I WANT to be." It's no longer about where I NEED to be. I have no answers to the question of where I should or need to be. I am not at a dangerous weight or doing anything monumentally perilous with food. Where I need to be is with my healthy desires. I am wise enough to know what is best. I believe that. I get more and more in touch with that part of me every day.

Let me outline the main points of this difficulty:
1) I am underweight.
2) I think I would be more beautiful/healthier/able to think more clearly if I were at a higher weight.
3) I must eat more in order to get to that higher weight.
4) I must be willing to eat foods that I have some anxiety toward in order to consume enough calories to gain weight.
5) I am still afraid of those foods.
6) I still have some worries about actually being bigger and staying that way (loss of power, loss of "special-ness").

So there it is, laid out as simple as day. My goal is to think more clearly and feel better. How does that happen? Gain weight. How does that happen? Eat enough. How does that happen? I must be willing to eat until I am actually SATISFIED - and this includes eating foods I am uncomfortable with while trusting myself to know when to stop eating.

I also have to realize that I am special without this eating disorder and powerful without being thin. I am unique and strong in and of myself, regardless of outside markers.

I want the food obsession to end. And until my body knows it is out of a physical danger zone, I will naturally, biologically focus on food. It's time to end this!

In light of my new goals, changes have to be made. I have made so much progress over the past decade, especially in the past four years, with this eating disorder. I must let go of it as an obsession to make room for the other things that wish to occupy my mind, like music, writing, friends, and general exploration of life. Right now, I tire myself out, and all I can think of is consuming food and then expending the energy I take in.

I have moved. I'm settled in, both in my new physical home and in recovery. It's time to release control.

This is not as simple as eating more. Or maybe it is that simple, but it's still not easy. It means letting down strongholds I have built up that dictate when I will eat, what kind of food, in what location, in addition to how much. It also ties into notions of my body and if I am willing to release the thin, childlike one I have for one more appropriate for my age and stature. I wouldn't mind looking more like a woman than a girl, would I?

Society approves of my current weight. I am no thinner than a typical movie actress. But I am thinner than I feel is optimal. I can tell. I hate looking in the mirror and thinking, "I look like a high schooler." No. I want the strong, sufficient woman on the inside to shine through on the outside. More food would give me the energy and appearance to do that.

So I am also bucking society. I have to do what is right for me. It means resting more and listening to my body, trusting that it knows how to take care of itself. I can enjoy food while not overindulging or restricting all the time. I don't have to be a tiny size to be loved or successful. I will find success that is not based on superficial things. And I will be focused and sharp enough to pursue my dreams. Food will not distract me from my goals.

Creative expression - musically and in my writing. Helping others with eating disorders or depression. Loving those around me. All of these are worthy goals. And I want the stamina to achieve them. I still want to ride my bike and rock climb and walk and swim and do all the active things I do. I have made huge strides in putting exercise in its place. Now, it's time to see what lies beneath my resistance to new foods. It's time to release control. It's time to let my body be my body as I let myself be me.

All these things seem like Eating Disorder Recovery 101 to me. But sometimes I have to work my way around, through all the abstract concepts and underlying factors in my eating disorder to get back to the plain truth: How I look and what I eat ARE components of this, and I must use all the deep emotional and spiritual work I've done to combat what lies on the surface. I will win, and how I feel physically will be an expression of that.

Come with me.

Friday, July 4, 2008

A Harder Day

Today, I am having a bit of trouble. Everything from yesterday still holds true, but today is a new day. Right now, I feel far less accepting of my desire to be alone. My current routine feels disturbingly reminiscent of other times I have moved off into my own place. I am exploring the new territory to which I have moved, and that has provided immense fun. But it feels like much of my time is spent alone. And I must confess that a large portion of my exploring has been restaurant and food-related. I wonder if I will go into binge mode.

I know all the tools I have. I know all the fun and interesting things to do out there, and when I don't know what's going on, I know where to look. I just don't care right now. I want to be alone. I want to cave in. I want to be inside myself and feel out all these feelings. I want to turn inside out and become a new person.

These are strange feelings. But I have seen something that has thrown me off-kilter lately and may be one source of angst: a lack of commitment from people, or at least broken commitments. People either refuse to make promises or break them. It seems that the last few weeks have been rampant with cancellations. This means that I have more of a desire to behave the same way: avoid making plans, stay in my own space, deny that others need my side to make plans, too. It's easy to fall into this - as if I will always have last-minute options arise that will be better than potential plans I could make.

I just feel undervalued. It seems that people I care very deeply for are not making me a priority at all. I am not worth their time - or there are other people in their lives who matter more.

Now, I recognize the selfishness and self-centeredness of this. I want people to devote time and energy to me. And I want to be wanted more than anyone else in their lives. Well, of course, that lacks any tie to reality. Family comes up. I live far away now. But I want to be desired. I want to be reached out to. I used to drop in on people. No one drops in on me. I live far away. This is hard to cope with. I want more friends who live closer.

And so, here I am, fantasizing about food off and on, uncertain about how much I want to exercise, go out, play music, or do ANYTHING. Familiar? Why do I always wind up here?

Can I accept myself if I only want to lay around and eat? Can I make healthy choices? Can I be social enough? Will I create a vibrant life for myself on this new side of town? Yes. Yes. I know what is best. I am following it. I must believe this. I am loved - even if by me alone. I'm sure other people love me, too. I just want to feel it.

I thought I would confess my current food/exercise worries simply to put it out there. I fear falling off the wagon and no one seeing. Even if they saw, would they pick me up? Could they pick me up? I may have to do that for myself.


But I do not intend to fall. I intend to rest and let myself be until I do desire healthier things. This shift usually occurs sooner than I expect. Learning to trust.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Oil Changes, Respect, Routine, and Acceptance

Barely missed the rain! Had to get my oil changed today, so I left my car at the shop and rode my bike in to work. They called later to say my auto was ready for pick up, and I planned to either get a ride or take my bike after work. Well, I saw the clouds forming and then checked the weather. Storms were afoot in the afternoon.

So I hopped on my good old Raleigh and headed for the shop, where I was taken care of in due time. The rain started sprinkling as I turned into the parking lot, and minutes after I entered the building, it started pouring. Perfect timing if ever there was!

Anyway, I got out of there without spending too much. Final conclusion - and one that I've made dozens of times: I hate all car-related business. I go in guarding against being taken advantage of, which probably only increases the likelihood that they will try to do so. Energies, my friend. They always call with extra “recommendations” that I rarely take. This time, it was low washer fluid, bad battery, and tire rotation. Well, I have my own washer fluid for changing, I get free tire rotations at Discount Tire, and AutoZone will install a new battery free if I buy it there. There are also brake pads that need to be replaced, but my boyfriend assured me he would do that. (He also assured me that we would change the oil again this time, and it never happened. We’ll see… It’s a matter of time constraint.)

So, I hightailed it out of there and back to work. Another conclusion: I love it when my day has variance. I hate getting stuck in the same routine over and over. Well, today, I was free of that. Car work tends to do that for me – but it also causes tremendous stress. Positives and negatives to all. But what is the stress about?

Well, I have a driving desire to “stick it to the boys.” It’s always been that way. But the fact is, I don’t know that much about cars. I could very easily be taken advantage of in auto mechanic situations. So I put on a face. I immediately rebuff the car guys when they try to explain the car situation to me. I am fine when I ask friends, my dad, my boyfriend about cars. I want to know. They know I’m smart. I trust them to be smarter in this area than me. But with the car guys, I have to show them. I don’t want to hear their reasons. I just want them to change everything out and be done with it. Do what I say and move on.

So I do whatever I can to prove I am capable. And that includes taking my bike. I like that I refuse their offers to help me load my bike into my car and then dazzle them with how quickly I remove the tire and slide it in. I feel like I win a bit of respect when I ride of on my wheels or when I return and handle things smoothly. With auto work, I feel like my bike is my only asset. It allows me freedom beyond my automobile and a trump card outside the car guys' expertise. Maybe it’s a sort of leveler.

It all takes me back to high school. I worked out with the men’s cross country team once a week. This always thrilled me. Sometimes, I got to do it twice in a week. There were only one or two guys I couldn’t beat, and I truly relished that. Plus, it made me better to be pushed a little harder. We were a smaller program, but still AAAA (if you know the Texas system). I was good, and I liked affirmation of that – and respect.

I’m constantly craving respect. And I try to get it from any source. I wanted it from the car guys, but it’s so hard to get when I know significantly less about the subject matter than they do. It’s the same in regular conversation. In my topic areas of expertise, I feel comfortable. Only if I can treat the situation as a learning experience am I content with times when I’m completely out of my element.

I have to give myself a pat on the back here, though. In the past year, I have been repeatedly pulled into new territory. I’ve changed groups of friends, moving in and out of different groups and subcultures. I have learned more about cars and climbing and bikes and cooking and Asia and spirituality and traveling than I ever thought possible. My horizons have been expanded. And I find that I savor the learning.

It’s just that the mechanic shop adds a financial quotient to the mix. I do not want to be ripped off. I am suspicious of them, and that wrecks the trust required in a learning experience. I want to trust the person telling me information enough that I can accept that he or she or I might be wrong, and I still listen. I don’t want to feel like the other person is giving me a fully one-sided view designed to take me down.

So – for today, I am trying to win respect and have variance in my routine. I need to do different things. I’ve been wanting to do nothing but hole up in my apartment and eat or cry or feel or...I'm not sure at this point. It’s odd. I want a bit of solitude – although I welcome the love of my boyfriend or my family and fear the depression that often accompanies my alone time.

I crave one-on-one interaction most of all. The big party stuff is a bit tough right now. I also haven’t been seeking out as many new, off-the-wall events. There has been less cultural searching. I’m sitting and flowing right now. Hopefully, I will begin to branch out more soon. I want to continue going to gallery shows and movies and theater. It will be good. I trust myself to break out of the mold.

But for now, I seem to like sitting alone, exploring, riding my bike, going shopping. Just being alone. But still, there’s a nagging inside – what SHOULD I do? What is the BEST thing? These questions drive me insane! Like I can’t choose to do something (whether social or solitary) and that be okay. I trust a higher power to balance me out because I don’t know how to find balance. I think I just need to let it happen. I'm not sure of the next step.


I want new friends; I want to explore music more. I want to feel okay. But the bottom line is - all I have is now. This day is going well so far, so I pray for it to keep going.