Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Simple and Sweet

I recently wrote a simple, happy song called “Colors of You.” Something in me loves a simple, breezy song. I admire its sweetness because so few of my songs have that quality. I tend toward the intense ballad, which I enjoy equally, but those few lighthearted pieces are treasures in my heart.

This extends to life. I am attracted to high-drama, bold color, and intensity. I try to create these things and live within them. But when I happen upon a simple moment with just the right feeling and all the right colors, I smile and relax. I am relaxing right now, as the sun shines through my window and I have no pressing business to attend to until I return to work next Monday. Glorious.

This life is beautiful and precious. I don’t think any gems are wasted, even if I’m the only one here experiencing them. Perhaps someone else out there is experiencing a charmed moment, too, and in a way, we share it together. That makes my heart smile.

See, I’m as cheesy as it gets… and I’m owning it now. For years, I dismissed the lighter part of me ‑ the delicate, girly, Disney-feature-film (if you will) part of me. Now, I like and appreciate her. Cynicism gets you places, but not everywhere. The same can be said for the more rainbow-esque part of me. I’m glad to embrace both elements now.

Anyway, I wish you all 365 more jewel-like days in 2009. Hopefully, it will be the best year yet! For my part, I’m certain it will be. Sure, parts will smell like the used Trans Am of a 16-year-old boy without enough money or sense to purchase deodorant. But other parts will be fresh as a daisy! Hope it’s filled with whatever makes you happy (and if that’s stinky teenage boys, more power to you, as long as we’re in legal territory…).

Happy New Year!

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Oh, and it has come to my attention that more than one reader out there is restraining him/herself from commenting or emailing me after digesting my posts. Just wanted to say, feel free to comment or contact at any time! If people don’t comment because no one else does, then the ball never starts rolling. And even if it never starts rolling, I enjoy the few comments I do get, whether online or in person. Thanks to everyone! I appreciate you all more than you can know :)

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Perfect Day

What is a perfect day? What would it take to create that kind of day? Could I recreate it over and over?

Naturally, the answers to these questions depend on a multitude of variables. Every day, the requirements change. Our goals change. Our circumstances change. There is no one perfect day. The potential "perfect" component combinations are infinite.

However, my most perfect days seem to be days when I start out wondering how I will make it through the day at all. Perhaps this is because, on those days, I consciously give over control to a higher power and recognize that I cannot determine the ultimate outcome of that day. I ask myself what would constitute a failed day and usually come up empty. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what happens. It's never the end of the world. I'm not out detonating nuclear bombs or anything.

I think one of my main problems is the over-importance I place on my life in general. I give it so much weight that it frightens me, as if my every move determined the course of the universe. And while my actions may have some effect on the universe, they more likely work within the context of a whole realm of other actions taking place everywhere else and as a result of the billions upon billions of things that occurred long before I ever existed on this planet. Things are moving along in the world, and it's rather arrogant to believe that I could have the power to throw the whole thing completely off-balance.

But wait! Can't I throw at least MY part of the world off-balance? And wouldn't that be scary?

Would it? Would it be so scary? Maybe things need to be thrown off every now and then.

Needless to say, the ingredients to a "perfect" day remain consistent: giving up control, relaxing, and doing WHAT I CAN (not things I WISH I could do). The best days are the ones that I let just be. And this is so hard for me to do...

Judgment has to be left by the wayside to create a perfect day. I have to stop second-guessing everything and allow my decisions to be my decisions. Things will get done. I can indulge. I can set schedules and plans. I can do whatever will be best in my life at the moment. I can try things. If it doesn't workout today, I can take notes so that I can make better choices in the future. It's okay to make mistakes. I am an aware person. I can learn from these things. No need to be afraid!

Holidays are the ideal times to test these ideas. I can create schedules if I want them or discard every routine, just to see what happens. I can set new standards or do things in different ways. There's usually a lot of time for reflection, so I can consider what I'm doing as I'm doing it. There may also be ample opportunities to celebrate and do new, interesting things. I can see how I react in situations with people I may have difficulty relating to and also get information from perspectives I do not typically access.

So, in conclusion, I am trying new things. I'm releasing some of my exercise and germ/health obsessions, or at the very least, I'm trying. I'm giving myself a chance to alter my patterns and ignore what others think about it while being open to unexpected wisdom. I can try to exist in a challenging location, away from home. Basically, I am encouraging myself to find home, wherever I am, maintaining openness to a concept of home that looks different than I initially imagined.

I am safe. I am at home...anywhere. A good mantra.

Friday, December 19, 2008

The Other Side

There is another side to all of us, a side that isn't regularly seen. I talk myself out of it all the time.

But that other side is important. What lies there, though often socially unacceptable, is part of who I am. And the universe ultimately accepts that side with the same love as the part that exhibits itself more readily.

I am exploring this side by incorporating another blog:
http://myundercurrent.blogspot.com/

It will be for unfiltered expression. We'll see if I am able to actually use it for that purpose. Here is where I try to express a whole self. There, I want to get the part out that may be overlooked at times. It's a vague idea right now, but I want to play with it.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Without a Promise

As part of my continuing effort to figure out the best recording/online publishing options for myself, here's a weblog of a recent song I've been working on. The sound quality is less-than-desirable, but it's this or nothing for now. Enjoy!

(And yes, I am aware of the sound not matching the video in my previous post. This one looks good to me. For better-synched clips, check out the videos at my MySpace page at www.myspace.com/michellecowanmusic.)

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Hold My Hand

Came across this old song today and wanted to share it with you all. It touched my heart to play it again after a few years have passed...

Has the Universe Assigned Me a Special Role?

Sometimes, I feel like the designated Cosmic Container of Sorrow. I have no personal reason to be sad, except the usual underlying sadness that most humans carry, but I cry and lay around and feel sadness pumping through me so often. I even relish it! I feel happy to feel sad. I feel happy to feel anything, so I pick up sadness and run.

I think that if some divine hand were to affirm my role as the “Cosmic Container of Sorrow,” I would be more accepting of it. I could hold my head high as a strong person, capable of taking on and expressing the sorrow of the universe, rather than pondering over my feelings and wondering why I’m not happy-go-lucky or if I am just a whiney baby.

I’m not a crybaby, I don’t think. One of the things that makes the sadness linger is often my reluctance to share my weakened, sad condition with others. And as I said in an earlier post, I’m working to open up earlier and more often. But recognizing that doesn’t make it easier. The sadness I felt earlier today is fading right now, but oh, it gets so strong.

I definitely long for other emotional people to share these things with, but I find myself consistently stymied when trying to think of who to call or talk to. I wish people would come out of the woodwork and help me express my emotions. I imagine someone who would stick with me through my ups and downs and my frequent lack of desire to be with people. He or she would also encourage me to get out and be with others when appropriate.

Immediately following this fantasy, I realize that no one will probably be able to do that. Perhaps… I believe in miracles. But until the miracle happens, I have to learn to do these things myself. Will I??

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I’m also in the midst of looking for more ways to expand in the virtual realm. Will I create my own website? Possibly. Will I try to use it as a landing page where I can advertise myself as a speaker and performer? I would. I just have to explore the available avenues. I can build a web presence, and I can create a community space for people to come together. I am interested in these things.

Hmmm, now I’m fantasizing about someone who can help me do that. Ugh… Do I really have to bother with making friends and all that jazz?? ;)

Monday, December 8, 2008

Trust the Instinct

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that I should second-guess every inclination. However, life as of late has repeatedly confirmed the validity of my natural instincts. So - why do I resist trusting myself?

It’s difficult to believe in something without outside confirmation. I long for someone or something else to say, “Yes, Michelle, that is the best course of action,” no matter how strongly I already feel that sentiment. How will I know who to trust, what career path to go down, where to live, which shirt to wear, or whether I should run my errands before or after lunch?

Despite my doubts, I have a fantastic track record of predicting which friendships I will want to deepen after only a couple of meetings. I also seem to finish tasks that need to be accomplished on time, without too much stress… except during the process of deciding which task to take on first. I am now trying to remember that, just as I am now attune to when I am hungry and typically what I am hungry for, I know the best actions to take or if there are multiple, equally beneficial courses that present themselves during the day. Somewhere inside me, I contain this wisdom.

Trusting that gift of wisdom is a process. I am continually learning to discern between ego-powered impulse and true, universal intuition. When peace rests beneath the instinct, it’s usually worth following.

Even if I mess up and follow a course that I wish I hadn’t, life has never ended. I approach things with an open, true heart, and if I make a mistake, it can’t keep me down for long. I simply learn. I make the choice and move on. And I must say, Little Miss Indecisive is making some big strides. Who knew I would ever believe that there are no mistakes? Truly.

Now that I trust instinct, I find that my life follows a miraculous sort of rhythm. I end up synching with other people’s schedules and having time for everything. I watch the lives of people who agonize far less about daily decisions and take note of those who seem in tune with something greater. It is possible to follow a natural course, not over-think things, and still live a successful life (though it might not be successful in the way I initially envisioned it).

Growing up, I never conceived that a person could excel and enjoy life without pre-plotting every step. Letting go of my compulsive need to plan and control is difficult, but I’m learning firsthand how healthy and freeing it is to let life take its course rather than remaining chained to the construction of personal forecasts and predictions. If I spend all my time building nets to catch myself in case I should fall, I have no time left to climb the ladders and take the leaps that make living a worthwhile adventure.

Here’s to trusting myself to know when to make healthy preparations and when to release my fears and simply LIVE.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

A Blog in Parts

What if I systematically removed person after person from my life? What if I chose not to associate with one person at a time, until the only one left was me? Could I then eliminate myself?

I wouldn't choose that. I sometimes fear that I'll choose it, but the true Michelle never would. She reaches out and loves but also retreats into a quiet space at times. I'll let the universe choose the ebb and flow of people in my life.

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I want to live inside music. Nowhere else feels safe in the same way. The outside world melts away, and everything I do is permissible -- glorious even.

Perhaps the truth is that I already do live inside music. I come alive in my music. When I share it with others, I hope they can see a little bit of what I am like fully alive, fully free, liberated, and happy. Alone, I enjoy; I curl up in comfort. I regain something every time I lose myself in a song.

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I would also like to live inside a giant pile of clothes fresh from the dryer... if it were possible to breathe inside the mound ;)