Okay, I'll admit it; the hurricane was a difficult event for me. (I'm resisting the urge to call it a "traumatic incident.") My power only stayed out for two days, I had everything I needed, and I received some outside support, but yes, I went through it alone. And that can be traumatic. (Okay, there, I used the word.)
It directed me into touch with new, strong parts of myself, but it also prompted a lot of emotions that I resisted and suppressed in order to get through the event itself. Now, the emotions are bubbling to the surface. Things having to do with my family, with relationships, with myself and my own history. All of it. Plus, I felt unempathized with.
I didn't have much physical upheaval other than the loss of some fridge food, a bit of car and window leakage, and a couple of hot days without electricity. But I didn't have the direct emotional support many others experienced. Oftentimes, helping someone else makes it easier to get through trials. In families, that kind of bonding/mutual assistance typically occurs naturally. I chose to ride it out alone and was not completely prepared for all that it exposed, finding myself without a ready shoulder to lean on.
So here I am, feeling the emotions and letting them play out as usual, learning many new things about life, the world, and myself. Sigh...
So where does the self-absorption end and the giving begin? I want to give of myself to a greater cause. I am admittedly reconsidering doing Team in Training, wondering if primarily nostalgia motivated me. Despite all of my very real and valuable reasons for wanting to participate, maybe it's time to raise money or advocate in a new way, for difference organizations, using methods that better reflect who I am today...
Still, I learned today that the Honored Hero I am training on behalf of passed away on Tuesday. Ten-year-old Johnny Romano, skateboarder extraordinaire. It shook me up a bit. He was so, so young... Keep his family in your thoughts/prayers.
At the same time, I wonder if I'd be better off advocating on behalf of ANAD or NEDA or NOW's Love Your Body project. There are also a few literacy groups I stand behind, not to mention the fabulous program Purple Songs Can Fly at Texas Children's hospital. The latter is connected with cancer support services, giving kids in treatment the opportunity to write and record their own songs. It's an amazing program, and I hope to be up there helping in the coming weeks.
For now, I want to be content giving as I can give right now, living life as a light to others. I want to do my part for the community. I want to help. But time is limited. My energy is limited. I have quite a bit to offer, though, and am longing to do so. I want to see where I should invest my resources.
Part of me would like to fundraise for one of the causes I mentioned above by coming up with my own fun events and ideas. We'll see what surfaces. It's always a good time to give, and I'm hungry for it right now. Reaching deep within often leads to reaching back out. Here I am, an emotional basket case, admittedly so, but knowing that perspective is in order. I give myself time to work out the kinks and also give some time away... I'm praying for inspiration for where to send it.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Learning to Relax
I could blog. I could write. I could clean my bathroom and mop the floor. But no, I want to eat a giant sandwich and watch Project Runway! And I'm letting myself.
Can't I give myself a break? I balanced my checkbook; paid my rent, water, and electricity; started my laundry; and reprogrammed my cell phone earlier today. That's a significant number of accomplishments. Hey, I even wrote a song. No kidding. Not sure how it happened, but it flowed.
Then again, I do know how it happened. I'm letting myself go with the flow. I'm letting myself enjoy. I could have gone to help clean up a city park today, but I was too tired to even begin to get out of bed before 10am. I've been letting myself flit around this morning, resulting in a freeness of mind. It's okay not to accomplish everything on my list of to-dos.
Nothing terrible is going to happen if I don't get my car shampooed today. (My attempts at post-flood cleanup left things worse than before, I think...but the smell is masked!) Same goes for cleaning the bathroom. It can wait another day. I can enjoy one day of my weekend, sleep in, and just take it as it comes. It's okay. My desires are welcome.
And looking back, as I listed earlier, I've still managed to do plenty of the tasks I had set before me. I didn't even mention the research I did into a new cell phone and laptop! Relaxing alone is an accomplishment. I feel good.
Anyway, I've reached out to a friend today. I'm sure I'll reach out more later. It's the ebb and flow of life, I'm learning. I venture into myself, I relax, I go back out, I fight the hard fight, I venture back in. It's a little cycle, and I never know how long I'll be in any stage or what that stage will look like exactly.
The main thing is that I'm still enjoying life. Maybe that seems ridiculous to some, considering the amount of effort I expend simply giving myself permission to do what I want to do, but I am enjoying life. I like the way I over-analyze a bit. It's okay. Everything belongs, right? In its own portion.
And you can do it, too. Let yourself relax. Eventually, the tasks that really need to be done will rise to the surface. By then, you may even WANT to do them. Why force yourself to do them now if they are, in fact, non-essential? Of course, there are certain things we must force ourselves to do sometimes. Why not embrace the moments when forcing things isn't necessary?
I mean, I can't watch Project Runway FOREVER, can I? Can I?...
#
Check it out: I ended up blogging anyway, without even realizing what I was doing... ;)
Can't I give myself a break? I balanced my checkbook; paid my rent, water, and electricity; started my laundry; and reprogrammed my cell phone earlier today. That's a significant number of accomplishments. Hey, I even wrote a song. No kidding. Not sure how it happened, but it flowed.
Then again, I do know how it happened. I'm letting myself go with the flow. I'm letting myself enjoy. I could have gone to help clean up a city park today, but I was too tired to even begin to get out of bed before 10am. I've been letting myself flit around this morning, resulting in a freeness of mind. It's okay not to accomplish everything on my list of to-dos.
Nothing terrible is going to happen if I don't get my car shampooed today. (My attempts at post-flood cleanup left things worse than before, I think...but the smell is masked!) Same goes for cleaning the bathroom. It can wait another day. I can enjoy one day of my weekend, sleep in, and just take it as it comes. It's okay. My desires are welcome.
And looking back, as I listed earlier, I've still managed to do plenty of the tasks I had set before me. I didn't even mention the research I did into a new cell phone and laptop! Relaxing alone is an accomplishment. I feel good.
Anyway, I've reached out to a friend today. I'm sure I'll reach out more later. It's the ebb and flow of life, I'm learning. I venture into myself, I relax, I go back out, I fight the hard fight, I venture back in. It's a little cycle, and I never know how long I'll be in any stage or what that stage will look like exactly.
The main thing is that I'm still enjoying life. Maybe that seems ridiculous to some, considering the amount of effort I expend simply giving myself permission to do what I want to do, but I am enjoying life. I like the way I over-analyze a bit. It's okay. Everything belongs, right? In its own portion.
And you can do it, too. Let yourself relax. Eventually, the tasks that really need to be done will rise to the surface. By then, you may even WANT to do them. Why force yourself to do them now if they are, in fact, non-essential? Of course, there are certain things we must force ourselves to do sometimes. Why not embrace the moments when forcing things isn't necessary?
I mean, I can't watch Project Runway FOREVER, can I? Can I?...
#
Check it out: I ended up blogging anyway, without even realizing what I was doing... ;)
Thursday, September 18, 2008
The Simple Life
I am officially in love with riding my bike (as if that wasn't apparent before). I hate traffic. Finally, I feel like being on my bike puts me ahead of the rest. It's freeing to know the back ways to get places, even when I do have to take my car. Getting to work by bike is a normal activity for me now, so it's no problem to two-wheel it in lieu of fighting lines at flashing stop lights and wasting precious gasoline.
Sitting in traffic makes me scream and cry and beat my steering wheel...and I mean literally. (I have the bruised forearms to prove it.) My stress levels rise that high.
In contrast, the time on my bike before and after work provides a space where I do nothing but travel. I don't think of it as exercise, and other potential daily activities don't enter my mind much. The only goal is a destination. The only objective is to stay safe on the road. Simple.
I desire simplicity more and more these days. Simple lifestyles attract me. I want to live in a community where I don't have to go far for anything essential, where my friends are near, where my interactions are not mitigated by layers of electronic facilitation. I like the idea of a few friends, a few things to do, a generous amount of time, and a whole lot of love. In many ways, the hurricane gave me a glimpse into that, and riding my bike expresses in a small way the simplicity my heart longs for. Thank you for beautiful weather and good health.
(Playing my guitar gets me back to basics, too.)
Sitting in traffic makes me scream and cry and beat my steering wheel...and I mean literally. (I have the bruised forearms to prove it.) My stress levels rise that high.
In contrast, the time on my bike before and after work provides a space where I do nothing but travel. I don't think of it as exercise, and other potential daily activities don't enter my mind much. The only goal is a destination. The only objective is to stay safe on the road. Simple.
I desire simplicity more and more these days. Simple lifestyles attract me. I want to live in a community where I don't have to go far for anything essential, where my friends are near, where my interactions are not mitigated by layers of electronic facilitation. I like the idea of a few friends, a few things to do, a generous amount of time, and a whole lot of love. In many ways, the hurricane gave me a glimpse into that, and riding my bike expresses in a small way the simplicity my heart longs for. Thank you for beautiful weather and good health.
(Playing my guitar gets me back to basics, too.)
Recovery Is Real Website
I have been working on and off (mostly off) on a website showcasing the blogs of people who have recovered from eating disorders. It will possibly be expanded to showcase stories of such individuals and the vibrant lives they live, but for now, I'm pretty much just compiling a list of bloggers who have recovered. I want to show people that it is possible and that anyone, no matter how deep the suffering, can go on to do amazing things.
The blogs do not have to be about eating or body-related issues. They simply have to be written by someone who has recovered from an eating disorder of any kind.
If you are interested in helping with this effort or know of some blogs I could use, please contact me. Thanks and well wishes!
The blogs do not have to be about eating or body-related issues. They simply have to be written by someone who has recovered from an eating disorder of any kind.
If you are interested in helping with this effort or know of some blogs I could use, please contact me. Thanks and well wishes!
No electricity breeds creativity...and exhaustion...
I like to think I'm strong, that I can make it through anything. But hurricane aftermath? That might be my breaking point.
Suffice it to say that I am filled with immense gratitude. My water and power came back on Sunday afternoon. And although my cell phone drowned in a flooded street and my car smells like a swamp, I am blessed with an absence of the incredible difficulties so many people I know are facing.
Still, the backed up traffic brings me to tears. The shortened grocery store hours and long gas station lines make me frantic. Naturally, my shelves were fully stocked before the hurricane, and I continue on without need of anything. But everything has been thrown off, and that seems to be enough for me to break down.
However, for someone who struggles with change and for whom acclimation comes slowly, I did quite well during the storm. Years of awareness surrounding my trouble with non-routine times have made me quite an expert in preparation and coping. I was ready for the storm, and I continue to provide for my needs and those of people who come across my path. Good stuff.
To brag or not to brag? Brag! I made a stupendous apple crisp after the storm once I discovered that the ice cream shop across from my apartment had opened for business. (Baked desserts are only half-complete without a creamy, melt-a-licious topping.) The family who owns the shop still has no power at their house. No wonder they chose to go to work instead of roast at home!
Baking the dessert, talking to the shop owner's family, coming up with a fun way to kill a few hours... That little part of my week illustrates the things I find most excellent about disaster: people get to know one another and people discover their own creative coping skills. I now know more of my neighbors than I ever thought possible. I asked for help in tough circumstances and received it! I discovered that I have a knack for creating fabulous meals from only canned items. I also realized how blessed I am to enjoy reading and other non-electric-dependent activities. I have also learned how to strike up conversations with almost anyone. During the hurricane, my neighbors and I did it because we were bored. Now, I do it because I'm curious.
I love watching people who are able to handle discomfort well. Several folks at my office still without power are chugging along remarkably well. They take it step by step and simply do the next thing that needs to be done. Inconvenience leads to simplification. Just do the next thing.
In the midst of it all, I'm fine. Still writing music. Still planning on doing the half-Ironman (although I must confess that the training for that ranks very low on my list of priorities at the moment). Still calling friends, going to work, and getting outside and enjoying. I still have my endless list of to-dos, but I remain thankful that cleaning up a yard full of tree limbs or salvaging the contents of a flooded house do not count among my concerns.
Gratitude for sure. This life is a miracle, moment by moment.
Suffice it to say that I am filled with immense gratitude. My water and power came back on Sunday afternoon. And although my cell phone drowned in a flooded street and my car smells like a swamp, I am blessed with an absence of the incredible difficulties so many people I know are facing.
Still, the backed up traffic brings me to tears. The shortened grocery store hours and long gas station lines make me frantic. Naturally, my shelves were fully stocked before the hurricane, and I continue on without need of anything. But everything has been thrown off, and that seems to be enough for me to break down.
However, for someone who struggles with change and for whom acclimation comes slowly, I did quite well during the storm. Years of awareness surrounding my trouble with non-routine times have made me quite an expert in preparation and coping. I was ready for the storm, and I continue to provide for my needs and those of people who come across my path. Good stuff.
To brag or not to brag? Brag! I made a stupendous apple crisp after the storm once I discovered that the ice cream shop across from my apartment had opened for business. (Baked desserts are only half-complete without a creamy, melt-a-licious topping.) The family who owns the shop still has no power at their house. No wonder they chose to go to work instead of roast at home!
Baking the dessert, talking to the shop owner's family, coming up with a fun way to kill a few hours... That little part of my week illustrates the things I find most excellent about disaster: people get to know one another and people discover their own creative coping skills. I now know more of my neighbors than I ever thought possible. I asked for help in tough circumstances and received it! I discovered that I have a knack for creating fabulous meals from only canned items. I also realized how blessed I am to enjoy reading and other non-electric-dependent activities. I have also learned how to strike up conversations with almost anyone. During the hurricane, my neighbors and I did it because we were bored. Now, I do it because I'm curious.
I love watching people who are able to handle discomfort well. Several folks at my office still without power are chugging along remarkably well. They take it step by step and simply do the next thing that needs to be done. Inconvenience leads to simplification. Just do the next thing.
In the midst of it all, I'm fine. Still writing music. Still planning on doing the half-Ironman (although I must confess that the training for that ranks very low on my list of priorities at the moment). Still calling friends, going to work, and getting outside and enjoying. I still have my endless list of to-dos, but I remain thankful that cleaning up a yard full of tree limbs or salvaging the contents of a flooded house do not count among my concerns.
Gratitude for sure. This life is a miracle, moment by moment.
Monday, September 1, 2008
Photos
Yes, I know some of you have wondered, "Why don't you post any pictures on your site or blog?" Well, because this blog is partially about eating disorders, I don't want to put any images up that could be fodder for appearance-comparison games. However, that motivation is lessening. (People can compare outside appearances if they want and decide on their own how healthy that is.)
Unfortunately, as I blogged about recently, thieves broke into my car and stole my camera, along with my iPod, my precious Alvarez guitar, its case, and my priceless songwriting notebook. They took a swimsuit and my good kaiki capris, but those items meant significantly less to me - but it does say a bit about the people who took them.
If I had a camera, I would take some good shots and upload them. Soon enough, people. Soon enough. I tend to procrastinate on making big purchases like that. So far, I have a camera, a new laptop, and a vacation lined up for future expense. Hopefully, I will gain the courage to give myself the gift of spending that money, but it just seems like I'm not saving as much as I'd like right now... I struggle a lot with finding financial balance, treating myself with generosity while exercising responsibility for my future needs. Learning, learning.
In any case, the camera is coming up soon. I figure it will be worthwhile on that vacation...
Unfortunately, as I blogged about recently, thieves broke into my car and stole my camera, along with my iPod, my precious Alvarez guitar, its case, and my priceless songwriting notebook. They took a swimsuit and my good kaiki capris, but those items meant significantly less to me - but it does say a bit about the people who took them.
If I had a camera, I would take some good shots and upload them. Soon enough, people. Soon enough. I tend to procrastinate on making big purchases like that. So far, I have a camera, a new laptop, and a vacation lined up for future expense. Hopefully, I will gain the courage to give myself the gift of spending that money, but it just seems like I'm not saving as much as I'd like right now... I struggle a lot with finding financial balance, treating myself with generosity while exercising responsibility for my future needs. Learning, learning.
In any case, the camera is coming up soon. I figure it will be worthwhile on that vacation...
Coming Off the High
I feel a bit discouraged today, a typical occurrence after the kind of high I had over the weekend. I felt immensely supported and appreciated. My performance on Sunday went well, plus I received some serious spiritual nurturing while talking to my best friend and others throughout the past few days. That deep sense of connection mattered more than I expected. I also visited the home of an artist who creates beautiful paintings. I felt privileged simply to get to know this person, not to mention the work we did together on an art/music project on Saturday. I scoped out her studio and her home, which felt comfy and accepting, like a family -- or rather, the way we wish family would be
I have found myself trying to strike out, away from my family of origin just a bit. I adore my parents and feel loved by them, but I also hunger for a family of my own choosing, a family made up of friends and supportive people who know me in different ways. I am seeing that family sprout up around me, and I felt fantastic gratitude for it over the past two days.
It's strange to feel so absolutely fulfilled and then to feel quite alone. Today, I have called people, I have reached out, but my heart is aching. I know exactly what it aches for, but no action on my end can sate this hunger. Do you ever have those same yearnings? Are there things in your life that you want but cannot have? This sort of thing cuts a person like me to ribbons, a person who has discovered that people can have pretty much anything they want just by dreaming and asking and working and remaining open to receive. Then, here I am, faced with something I cannot get for myself, not this time.
In any case, this is a typical dip for me. I just came off of a fulfilling, nourishing time, and it's hard for the rest of life to live up to that standard. I am feeling my loneliness right now and also reveling in a pool of joy left over from the weekend. It's there, but my sadness is, admittedly, clouding it a bit.
Nonetheless, I am resurrecting my spirit by writing this piece, by thinking about music, reading and learning things today. I have reached out, and I am embracing this day for what it is.
I remain confident that I will continue to make decisions that reflect who I am and what I desire while also accepting the pullback resulting from taking such confident actions. I'm a bit tired and did a lot of socializing, so perhaps it is okay to pull inward a bit before stepping back out again, ready to take on the new challenges I've set for myself. Off we go.
I have found myself trying to strike out, away from my family of origin just a bit. I adore my parents and feel loved by them, but I also hunger for a family of my own choosing, a family made up of friends and supportive people who know me in different ways. I am seeing that family sprout up around me, and I felt fantastic gratitude for it over the past two days.
It's strange to feel so absolutely fulfilled and then to feel quite alone. Today, I have called people, I have reached out, but my heart is aching. I know exactly what it aches for, but no action on my end can sate this hunger. Do you ever have those same yearnings? Are there things in your life that you want but cannot have? This sort of thing cuts a person like me to ribbons, a person who has discovered that people can have pretty much anything they want just by dreaming and asking and working and remaining open to receive. Then, here I am, faced with something I cannot get for myself, not this time.
In any case, this is a typical dip for me. I just came off of a fulfilling, nourishing time, and it's hard for the rest of life to live up to that standard. I am feeling my loneliness right now and also reveling in a pool of joy left over from the weekend. It's there, but my sadness is, admittedly, clouding it a bit.
Nonetheless, I am resurrecting my spirit by writing this piece, by thinking about music, reading and learning things today. I have reached out, and I am embracing this day for what it is.
I remain confident that I will continue to make decisions that reflect who I am and what I desire while also accepting the pullback resulting from taking such confident actions. I'm a bit tired and did a lot of socializing, so perhaps it is okay to pull inward a bit before stepping back out again, ready to take on the new challenges I've set for myself. Off we go.
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