Simple and Sweet

I recently wrote a simple, happy song called “Colors of You.” Something in me loves a simple, breezy song. I admire its sweetness because so few of my songs have that quality. I tend toward the intense ballad, which I enjoy equally, but those few lighthearted pieces are treasures in my heart.

This extends to life. I am attracted to high-drama, bold color, and intensity. I try to create these things and live within them. But when I happen upon a simple moment with just the right feeling and all the right colors, I smile and relax. I am relaxing right now, as the sun shines through my window and I have no pressing business to attend to until I return to work next Monday. Glorious.

This life is beautiful and precious. I don’t think any gems are wasted, even if I’m the only one here experiencing them. Perhaps someone else out there is experiencing a charmed moment, too, and in a way, we share it together. That makes my heart smile.

See, I’m as cheesy as it gets… and I’m owning it now. For years, I dismissed the lighter part of me ‑ the delicate, girly, Disney-feature-film (if you will) part of me. Now, I like and appreciate her. Cynicism gets you places, but not everywhere. The same can be said for the more rainbow-esque part of me. I’m glad to embrace both elements now.

Anyway, I wish you all 365 more jewel-like days in 2009. Hopefully, it will be the best year yet! For my part, I’m certain it will be. Sure, parts will smell like the used Trans Am of a 16-year-old boy without enough money or sense to purchase deodorant. But other parts will be fresh as a daisy! Hope it’s filled with whatever makes you happy (and if that’s stinky teenage boys, more power to you, as long as we’re in legal territory…).

Happy New Year!

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Oh, and it has come to my attention that more than one reader out there is restraining him/herself from commenting or emailing me after digesting my posts. Just wanted to say, feel free to comment or contact at any time! If people don’t comment because no one else does, then the ball never starts rolling. And even if it never starts rolling, I enjoy the few comments I do get, whether online or in person. Thanks to everyone! I appreciate you all more than you can know :)

A Perfect Day

What is a perfect day? What would it take to create that kind of day? Could I recreate it over and over?

Naturally, the answers to these questions depend on a multitude of variables. Every day, the requirements change. Our goals change. Our circumstances change. There is no one perfect day. The potential "perfect" component combinations are infinite.

However, my most perfect days seem to be days when I start out wondering how I will make it through the day at all. Perhaps this is because, on those days, I consciously give over control to a higher power and recognize that I cannot determine the ultimate outcome of that day. I ask myself what would constitute a failed day and usually come up empty. Ultimately, it doesn't matter what happens. It's never the end of the world. I'm not out detonating nuclear bombs or anything.

I think one of my main problems is the over-importance I place on my life in general. I give it so much weight that it frightens me, as if my every move determined the course of the universe. And while my actions may have some effect on the universe, they more likely work within the context of a whole realm of other actions taking place everywhere else and as a result of the billions upon billions of things that occurred long before I ever existed on this planet. Things are moving along in the world, and it's rather arrogant to believe that I could have the power to throw the whole thing completely off-balance.

But wait! Can't I throw at least MY part of the world off-balance? And wouldn't that be scary?

Would it? Would it be so scary? Maybe things need to be thrown off every now and then.

Needless to say, the ingredients to a "perfect" day remain consistent: giving up control, relaxing, and doing WHAT I CAN (not things I WISH I could do). The best days are the ones that I let just be. And this is so hard for me to do...

Judgment has to be left by the wayside to create a perfect day. I have to stop second-guessing everything and allow my decisions to be my decisions. Things will get done. I can indulge. I can set schedules and plans. I can do whatever will be best in my life at the moment. I can try things. If it doesn't workout today, I can take notes so that I can make better choices in the future. It's okay to make mistakes. I am an aware person. I can learn from these things. No need to be afraid!

Holidays are the ideal times to test these ideas. I can create schedules if I want them or discard every routine, just to see what happens. I can set new standards or do things in different ways. There's usually a lot of time for reflection, so I can consider what I'm doing as I'm doing it. There may also be ample opportunities to celebrate and do new, interesting things. I can see how I react in situations with people I may have difficulty relating to and also get information from perspectives I do not typically access.

So, in conclusion, I am trying new things. I'm releasing some of my exercise and germ/health obsessions, or at the very least, I'm trying. I'm giving myself a chance to alter my patterns and ignore what others think about it while being open to unexpected wisdom. I can try to exist in a challenging location, away from home. Basically, I am encouraging myself to find home, wherever I am, maintaining openness to a concept of home that looks different than I initially imagined.

I am safe. I am at home...anywhere. A good mantra.

The Other Side

There is another side to all of us, a side that isn't regularly seen. I talk myself out of it all the time.

But that other side is important. What lies there, though often socially unacceptable, is part of who I am. And the universe ultimately accepts that side with the same love as the part that exhibits itself more readily.

I am exploring this side by incorporating another blog:
http://myundercurrent.blogspot.com/

It will be for unfiltered expression. We'll see if I am able to actually use it for that purpose. Here is where I try to express a whole self. There, I want to get the part out that may be overlooked at times. It's a vague idea right now, but I want to play with it.

Without a Promise

As part of my continuing effort to figure out the best recording/online publishing options for myself, here's a weblog of a recent song I've been working on. The sound quality is less-than-desirable, but it's this or nothing for now. Enjoy!

(And yes, I am aware of the sound not matching the video in my previous post. This one looks good to me. For better-synched clips, check out the videos at my MySpace page at www.myspace.com/michellecowanmusic.)

Hold My Hand

Came across this old song today and wanted to share it with you all. It touched my heart to play it again after a few years have passed...

Has the Universe Assigned Me a Special Role?

Sometimes, I feel like the designated Cosmic Container of Sorrow. I have no personal reason to be sad, except the usual underlying sadness that most humans carry, but I cry and lay around and feel sadness pumping through me so often. I even relish it! I feel happy to feel sad. I feel happy to feel anything, so I pick up sadness and run.

I think that if some divine hand were to affirm my role as the “Cosmic Container of Sorrow,” I would be more accepting of it. I could hold my head high as a strong person, capable of taking on and expressing the sorrow of the universe, rather than pondering over my feelings and wondering why I’m not happy-go-lucky or if I am just a whiney baby.

I’m not a crybaby, I don’t think. One of the things that makes the sadness linger is often my reluctance to share my weakened, sad condition with others. And as I said in an earlier post, I’m working to open up earlier and more often. But recognizing that doesn’t make it easier. The sadness I felt earlier today is fading right now, but oh, it gets so strong.

I definitely long for other emotional people to share these things with, but I find myself consistently stymied when trying to think of who to call or talk to. I wish people would come out of the woodwork and help me express my emotions. I imagine someone who would stick with me through my ups and downs and my frequent lack of desire to be with people. He or she would also encourage me to get out and be with others when appropriate.

Immediately following this fantasy, I realize that no one will probably be able to do that. Perhaps… I believe in miracles. But until the miracle happens, I have to learn to do these things myself. Will I??

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I’m also in the midst of looking for more ways to expand in the virtual realm. Will I create my own website? Possibly. Will I try to use it as a landing page where I can advertise myself as a speaker and performer? I would. I just have to explore the available avenues. I can build a web presence, and I can create a community space for people to come together. I am interested in these things.

Hmmm, now I’m fantasizing about someone who can help me do that. Ugh… Do I really have to bother with making friends and all that jazz?? ;)

Trust the Instinct

Somewhere along the way, I picked up the notion that I should second-guess every inclination. However, life as of late has repeatedly confirmed the validity of my natural instincts. So - why do I resist trusting myself?

It’s difficult to believe in something without outside confirmation. I long for someone or something else to say, “Yes, Michelle, that is the best course of action,” no matter how strongly I already feel that sentiment. How will I know who to trust, what career path to go down, where to live, which shirt to wear, or whether I should run my errands before or after lunch?

Despite my doubts, I have a fantastic track record of predicting which friendships I will want to deepen after only a couple of meetings. I also seem to finish tasks that need to be accomplished on time, without too much stress… except during the process of deciding which task to take on first. I am now trying to remember that, just as I am now attune to when I am hungry and typically what I am hungry for, I know the best actions to take or if there are multiple, equally beneficial courses that present themselves during the day. Somewhere inside me, I contain this wisdom.

Trusting that gift of wisdom is a process. I am continually learning to discern between ego-powered impulse and true, universal intuition. When peace rests beneath the instinct, it’s usually worth following.

Even if I mess up and follow a course that I wish I hadn’t, life has never ended. I approach things with an open, true heart, and if I make a mistake, it can’t keep me down for long. I simply learn. I make the choice and move on. And I must say, Little Miss Indecisive is making some big strides. Who knew I would ever believe that there are no mistakes? Truly.

Now that I trust instinct, I find that my life follows a miraculous sort of rhythm. I end up synching with other people’s schedules and having time for everything. I watch the lives of people who agonize far less about daily decisions and take note of those who seem in tune with something greater. It is possible to follow a natural course, not over-think things, and still live a successful life (though it might not be successful in the way I initially envisioned it).

Growing up, I never conceived that a person could excel and enjoy life without pre-plotting every step. Letting go of my compulsive need to plan and control is difficult, but I’m learning firsthand how healthy and freeing it is to let life take its course rather than remaining chained to the construction of personal forecasts and predictions. If I spend all my time building nets to catch myself in case I should fall, I have no time left to climb the ladders and take the leaps that make living a worthwhile adventure.

Here’s to trusting myself to know when to make healthy preparations and when to release my fears and simply LIVE.

A Blog in Parts

What if I systematically removed person after person from my life? What if I chose not to associate with one person at a time, until the only one left was me? Could I then eliminate myself?

I wouldn't choose that. I sometimes fear that I'll choose it, but the true Michelle never would. She reaches out and loves but also retreats into a quiet space at times. I'll let the universe choose the ebb and flow of people in my life.

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I want to live inside music. Nowhere else feels safe in the same way. The outside world melts away, and everything I do is permissible -- glorious even.

Perhaps the truth is that I already do live inside music. I come alive in my music. When I share it with others, I hope they can see a little bit of what I am like fully alive, fully free, liberated, and happy. Alone, I enjoy; I curl up in comfort. I regain something every time I lose myself in a song.

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I would also like to live inside a giant pile of clothes fresh from the dryer... if it were possible to breathe inside the mound ;)

A New Project: Sharing Emotions...without thinking them away

I miss the boat. It takes me quite a while to connect with people, and I always feel that I miss numerous chances to take relationships to that infamous “next level.” Up to now, I have blazed a trail of mostly shallow friendships that I don’t discover are shallow until well after I assume I’ve opened up and connected “adequately.” Luckily, at this point, I am better able to gauge the true depths of my friendships and enjoy a few truly wonderful, strong connections. For the longest time, however, I remained puzzled as to why so many of my relationships stayed on the surface, leaving me unsatisfied.

Well, a revolution this week has enlightened my situation somewhat: I don’t admit my vulnerability. Of course, I am a strong woman who can care for herself, but that does not mean I am without needs and desires that I would rather not fulfill on my own. I need help so much of the time. I feel alone. I feel afraid. I feel confused. I long to be really known and to know others. Can others sense this about me? Do I ever admit to any of that?

I have been doing so well with feeling my emotions, and I’m even better at working through them, rationalizing them in a positive way. I, in a sense, “therapize” myself. I work through my feelings and learn from them. Nonetheless, something has been missing in my emotional journey.

I tend to express the emotion to myself, crying for hours or beating up pillows in anger. But rarely do I ever tell anyone about what happened. It’s hard to imagine that I would call someone and admit to sobbing for half a day. By that time, I’ve usually already “worked through” the issue and disregard the need to share my raw emotion with someone else.

In the same vein, I hesitate or don’t even think to call someone and ask for help when I’m just at the beginning of feeling something difficult. I devalue working on my emotions with someone. I devalue the mere expression of emotion in front of someone’s face, talking about the honest emotion I’m having without mitigating it with all the reasons or explanations I’ve already come up with.

I realized I was missing this crucial step of expression to others when I pinpointed a deep desire. Many times, I simply want people to let me feel feelings. I don’t want the feelings “fixed,” and I don’t want them ignored. I just want to be allowed to feel. And I long for someone to see me emoting and allow it. Despite this desire, I almost never get to the point of sharing an emotion without quickly following my share up with my nice, neat therapized package. I don’t want to overwhelm anyone with negativity. Life is fun and positive! Shouldn’t I ensure that the positive spin takes center stage rather than the darkness of my original feeling?

No. The explanations and background surrounding my emotions are valuable, but not at the expense of giving the feeling itself credence. By hiding the depth of what I’m feeling, I miss out on a connection with the world I’m meant to have.

By not admitting my frailty, I separate myself. I think I want that separation, that it makes me strong. And for whatever reason, I think that once I’ve worked through a feeling, it’s a sign of weakness to return to it in its raw form to share my experience with another person.

Well, time to stop this. I am deciding t make a concerted effort to share more of the difficult feelings I have with others and to abandon my fear of being seen as weak. Someone who feels things as deeply as I do cannot be weak. But I am human. And I want others to know that. It’s difficult to feel connection with a “perfect” or “invincible” person, and I try to come off as both of those things, despite the fact that I am neither.

I treasure it when someone is willing to share with me a true emotional moment. I am impressed and honored when someone entrusts me with their true feelings, without explaining them away.

This new way of working with feelings and other people will take a while, but it will be worth the journey. I’ve already begun experimenting with this, resulting in some embarrassment, but also incredibly revelatory moments with others and a deeper sense of connection. Ultimately, this exercise is simply an extension of me not covering anything up and being authentic wherever I am. No need to perform… unless I’m playing on stage ;)

Deeper Connectedness

I like seeing different parts of who I am. I like seeing different parts of other people. People are endless mysteries, labyrinths whose depths have yet to be fully explored. Ten lifetimes probably aren't enough to scope the vastness of the soul.

I like giving people a chance. I like asking people odd questions and noting their responses. Each new day opens up new channels of discovery. When I spend more time with a person, I usually find more and more things to like, more similarities, and more interesting differences.

I've long been uninterested in knowing only people who seem "like me" because, in the end, everyone is both like me and unlike me. The first things I see about a person may disguise untold-of connections between us. I like the intricacies within that framework. I'm interested in how we form connections with people and how we deepen those bonds.

Sometimes, however, it's difficult to find other people willing to explore those depths with me. I think that almost everyone would profess to want to get to know their friends in deeper ways, but when certain inner areas are probed, many people jerk back, afraid, or they leap forward and put on a show, pretending to reveal in an attempt to cover the truth. I'm searching for more people willing to honestly probe the depths and do their best to be thoroughly authentic.

I'm slower to cut people out of my life now, too. I am noting snap judgments when I make them but not necessarily moving out of the friendship because of those initial sentiments. Often, my resistance stems from an insecurity within myself, although sometimes resistance is an intuitive force that should be given credence.

All this to say that I am learning to be open to all kinds of people and to be brave enough to open up and seek openness from anyone who presents him or herself as willing to reciprocate. I am uncovering treasures EVERYWHERE, in everyone, even the most unlikely. I hope to continue this journey.

Following this mindset has strengthened my family relationships and enhanced the other connections in my life. I am becoming more and more curious about people.

One concern remains, though: I pray that my naturally inquisitive nature doesn't prevent me from opening up myself. I hope to give at the rate I receive. My tendency to play the observer can separate me from others in that, while I may feel more connected to them, they feel a distance from me. I hope to truly be authentic and honest about myself and lay aside the mediator or investigator hat from time to time.

People are amazing. Pity that I can forget that, run into fear, and then hide within myself occasionally. Although those hidden times are valuable, moments when I reach out and act on a willingness to be involved with other people take me to new heights. Inter-relational life is so new to me! I want to uncover all the riches within the people I know and love.

Thanks to all those who have reached out to me. The first step is the hardest for me to make, but once I take a couple of steps toward connecting with someone, I'll run with it. Thank you to those who know I need that initial push.

Opening Up

I am attempting to open up my world. It’s really the only way to go. Openness is scary, but it has resulted in more growth in my life than any other disposition. Openness.

You see, when something I at one time only dreamt of doing seems to miraculously occur, a closer examination of everything leading up to the occurrence reveals a distinct lack of the miraculous (unless, like me, you argue that every little thing we do is, in a way, miraculous…but that’s another conversation entirely). Here’s the basic pattern:

1) Idea floats to me (among the thousands of others I receive every second).
2) Idea sticks with me and keeps popping up. I can’t remove the notion from my brain for too long before it returns. Sometimes, this is exceptionally annoying.
3) I realize that I want to act on that idea.
4) But I don’t act on it yet; I’ll think about it more. (Usually, this is resistance rearing its ugly head, sometimes in the form of laziness, sometimes in the form of fear. Although part of me wants to act on the idea, part of me does not.)
5) The desire to act on the idea takes over >50% of me, in effect, defeating the resistant side.
6) I still don’t do anything.
7) I get frustrated because I’m not doing anything. (If an idea has hung around this long, then it’s probably meant-to-be.)
8) I finally tell someone about the idea.
9) Idea is acted on.

Okay, there are probably a few steps in between 8 and 9, but generally, after I open up about whatever idea I have, balls start rolling. Usually, I discover that, with help, the action is not so difficult. Sometimes, simply voicing what I want makes it less intimidating or more significant than initially thought.

All that to get to today’s furtive share. I want to do more with my music. Therefore, I am opening up my MySpace music page and will be accepting friends in the near future. (No, I have not accepted any friends on my MySpace music page. I never tell anyone about it, and when friends find me, I explain to them that I never add anyone. Pretty odd…but true.)

Anyway, step one is adding a prominent link to it here. Then, I will be sending the link out via email. HUGE for me. But do I expect anyone to hear me if I never tell anyone about what I do? I have to make a move that reflects my passion for the music.

Hopefully, this will lead to more performing. If I can open up online, perhaps I can make connections and open up live.

In any case, I have uploaded songs from a recent live concert I gave in the Heights. My wonderful friend Nancy recorded it, and I think the sound trumps that of my old laptop recordings. Another friend took some pics, and those will also be available very soon. So – enjoy my page. Enjoy the music. And if you have any ideas, feel free to share.

Here’s to being one of those wacky people who posts everything about herself online! Ah, Michelle, welcome to the 21st century…

Oh! And here’s the link to my music:
http://www.myspace.com/michellecowanmusic

Points on a Pendulum's Path

Life is ebb and flow, contraction and stretching, pulling in and pushing out. It's many different forces all at once, and somehow we balance in the midst of all of them. At least, that's the goal.

I can go too far. I can stay too safe. I am a pendulum swinging sometimes, one moment in perfect rhythm, another moment at startling extremes. But everything is allowed.

How would I know what it feels like to feel steady if I didn't also know what it feels like to be out of synch? How would I know happiness without sadness or loneliness without social overwhelment. Hitting the extremes reminds me that the middle is excellent, if at times boring. It's a trade-off of sorts: live at the extremes for excitement and precarious or frightening emotions, or live in the middle for solidarity of mind but also eventual boredom. When the boredom hits, I'm out the door, stretching again.

For quite some time, I believed that one way had to be better than another or that I had to choose how I wanted to live my life. Was I the kind of person who wanted to live an exciting, spontaneous life full of fun, adventure, and ripped-to-shreds emotions? Or was I the type to choose a quiet life, reading and calm, resting in the cradle of nature and thought? Both options still appeal to me.

However, now, instead of choosing one or the other, I am beginning to see that I can choose both - and everything in the middle.

At times, I feel wild and crazy and want to go-go-go. I shift into social overdrive, my performance gear kicks in, and I fly high for days. Other times, I want the world to completely stop and suck me into a black hole. I barely leave my house. I may try to do music; I may go to the grocery store. In that space, I frequently feel sad for a while...and WANT to feel sad. Letting sorrow take over occasionally rejuvenates my spirit and enables me to leave my house with a smile on my face once more, or to stay in my house but be able to laugh with more joy than ever.

Other times, I feel the peace of resting in the middle. It will seem as though I have the right amount of social engagement and the right amount of alone time. I find a balance between work, exercise, thinking, music, and just being myself. I accept all things and feel incredibly loving.

In each of these states, I wonder if I should perhaps be another way. Do I need more alone time? Am I not going out enough? Am I getting bored with this "balanced living"?

Truth is, each state works for me in some way - and typically also works against me. None of them are all good or all bad. They are simply points along the trajectory of my pendulum, and I can embrace them all without fear that I am not doing enough.

I'm still learning this, learning to trust that I can enjoy my propensities in each individual moment and also that I will eventually have different propensities. Although it sometimes feels like I will be sad and socially reluctant forever, that stage has always passed, and I have entered many an extroverted stint. Perhaps my introverted phases last longer or are more numerous, but I am learning that this is just me. I like that.

I also regularly return to balance after toying with the extremes, slowly seeing that the middle is not necessarily better than the edges. The extremes teach me. The state of balance is where I enjoy the fruits of those lessons. I'm still learning. I'm still confused. I still distrust myself. But I am learning to love others and myself for all the different ways we think and feel at various points in our lives. None of us is one way all the time.

Knowing myself means, in part, knowing that one, static definition of me cannot encompass the many phases that make up who I am. I never stop growing. Forward is the only direction (even though it feels like backwards sometimes). And the essential nature of humanity defies permanent labels.

Hooray for change and acceptance!

Putting Feet to Creative Ideas

People engage in the most interesting creative projects! Check out this one I learned about from Pop!Tech:

http://www.wefeelfine.org/

The We Feel Fine system searches new blog entries all across the Internet for the phrases "I feel" and "I am feeling." It then records the full sentence and identifies the feeling expressed (e.g., sad, tired, happy). It also records the demographic and geographic information (including weather) of the blogger if possible along with any picture associated with the blog post.

All of this information is kept in a database from which the site constructs all sorts of combinations and stories. It displays the data in all sorts of artistic and insightful ways. Some of the quote/photo combinations are wonderful. Go to the site to learn more about it. It's worth a visit.

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And definitely go to the Pop!Tech site to download videos of some incredible people discussing some of the most interesting topics I've ever encountered. The 2008 conference is streaming live right now! The video featured above is from the 2007 conference, but numerous "Pop!Casts" from this year's and previous years' conferences are housed their for everyone's viewing pleasure! And believe me, it's a pleasure.

Hopefully, I will start pursuing my own projects at some point rather than exclusively learning from others. For today, I did some songwriting, but I keep feeling that I could do more. And I'm probably right.

However, I refuse to discount learning. Sure, I'm excusing my avoidance of building my music career or developing myself in new ways or helping others, but I'm also setting an intention to do those things and even joining groups that should help me get better integrated into the music scene (GoGirls). How hard should I push myself? And how honest am I being about how I use my eating disorder to distract me from my dreams?

Can I let go of distractions/habits like the eating disorder and my own laziness or fear? Can I open myself up to more creative time? This story is still being written.

Another Successful Performance - Let's Do More!

Last night, I gave an amazing concert at the home of a friend. The entire experience was a true treasure. Of course, stress and dozens of little inconveniences littered the week before, resulting in me waking up on Saturday morning with no desire to put on the show that evening. However, I'd already invited friends, and I knew that performing would ultimate feed my soul more than a day of moping.

Nonetheless, it was hard to get through the day. My apartment complex lost power, and I had to deal with some incorrect debit card charges from a coffee house I'd visited earlier in the week. Luckily, the Bayou City Art Festival was going on, so I took a break from adult life to peruse the wares downtown.

All this to say that I stepped "on stage" (in my friend's living room) with virtually none of the preparation that usually goes into the makings of a Michelle show. I even showed up late to the event! Yes, true musician style. The week before had been too packed with layoffs at work (thank you, financial crisis!), apartment complex issues, medical appointments, and all the other things I fret about needlessly. During the week, of course, I in no way related my stress to nervousness about the upcoming performance. A serious oversight, it turned out.

On Saturday, my insides felt so squeezed and turned inside out, I didn't know what to do. Restlessness spread throughout my system. The smallest things began to stress me out. I held on tighter and tighter to accomplishing all the tasks I needed to to do, and when I saw that I would be unable to complete them all, I felt a breakdown coming on.

But instead, I stepped out of it and lived through the restlessness. The power went out; I went to the art festival, where my mother and a friend accompanied me and got my mind off of the stressors. I had to go prep my friend's house after that and get a few refreshments. I also needed to take a shower and go over a few songs. Well, I didn't go over the songs. No time! I handed it over to my higher power and hoped for the best. Before I left for the concert, I even took a short run to try to shake all the stress out of my body. Just that little bit worked, and I noted that I could have given up a few of my to-dos earlier in favor of more centering (although less outwardly "productive") activities. I am trying to let go and learn how to balance.

What can I say? Today, those restless feelings have vanished, replaced by a curious peace, knowing that I have expressed myself in one of the ways I feel most truly alive. Friends came together from various parts of my life; everything converged.

I could go into the many, many issues that come up during and after the concert, but it all feels far too private for the Internet. Suffice it to say that every time I perform, I feel whole. I know that I am doing what I was meant to do. Singing is my gift, to myself and to the world.

So why do I avoid it? A frightening vulnerability occurs when I perform nowadays. I no longer sing for my family or to win prizes or to be famous. I sing for myself and for love. Last night, I openly shared events from my life, both in the lyrics of the songs and in my transitional banter, that I have not spoken of with anyone. People asked me where songs had come from. They wanted back stories; they wanted to go deeper. A channel opened where suddenly I was able to transmit part of myself to a group of people and receive a thousand blessings in return.

This gift sounds irresistible. Why do I resist it? Fear. Playing music for me is like unzipping my chest and exposing something deeply personal. I may be performing, but when I do, people see ME. And while I long for that, for people to see the true Michelle, I am human. I know that the true Michelle could still be rejected or that I would somehow be misinterpreted. Many fears. I can't think of them all right now because they all seem silly when what I gain out of the performance experiences so far transcends any potential negativity.

Perhaps an even greater resistance lies in a bit of laziness and simple ignorance or lack of talent in certain, more logistical elements of being a musician. It's difficult for me to find venues and plan in advance to play somewhere. I always tell myself that I am perfectly capable of doing that, and I am. But that doesn't mean I WANT to do those things. I just want to perform...la la la...but it takes some footwork to get there.

Fortunately, as my courage and fortitude grows, it's getting easier to imagine and easier to tackle the logistics as I play more and more. Each time I perform, I realize the potential within me and strengthen my resolve to put legs to my dreams (even though my dreams regarding music are quite vague).

Last night, I got several ideas of places to play, and I also enlisted the help of others to get those shows off the ground. I realize that while I can craft songs and lyrics (and even my own stage persona) myself, I cannot craft an entire music career on my own. I am in particular need of manager types who will say, "Hey Michelle, want to play _____ on _____ day and time?" It's surprisingly easy for me to say yes to that. Finding it all on my own is another ordeal entirely.

So - I am learning to ask for help once more, but more than that, I'm learning exactly what I need to ask for help in doing. I am getting a better idea of my actual needs. I've always known that I need help, but it's hard to ask people for help without a specific request in mind. Now, I can approach people and ask if they can look for venues for me to perform in and relay the information to me. I can even ask them to contact some venues for me. While there are certainly things I need to do, there are people out there willing to assist.

In any case, a friend made a digital recording of the concert, so hopefully, I will find a couple of solid-sounding songs to disseminate to you all online. Another friend took what I'm sure will be fantastic photos, so you never know, I could have the beginnings of a nice little promo package. We'll see.

For now, I'm enjoying the calm that comes from being authentically me and facing challenges with openness and bravery. I have dealt with quite a bit of loss in the past few weeks and am rising stronger than ever. Most of all, I am thankful for true friends who actually "get" me, as much as anyone can.

For today, I am letting go of all the to-dos and remembering that everything will be taken care of. I am searching for that balance between taking responsibility and letting go. It often seems like I have so much on my plate. Right now, I just want to give it up so that the creativity can flow. Oh, but I hold on so tightly. So tightly. Last night, I released. It was definitely a ritual that bears repeating.

Ah, Weight - My Least Favorite Subject...

The company I work for kicked off a new weight loss program/competition today. What I heard from those who attended the kick-off meeting sounds mostly positive. This program appears to promote a healthy lifestyle rather than a flash-in-the-pan diet. Unfortunately, I still sense a clear focus on good vs. bad foods and a pressure to exercise that can turn unhealthy. Plus, the whole idea of competing to lose weight unnerves me. Such pressure, along with unknown, intangible standards of success!

Every body is different. Some people will be larger than others. Any time a program involves setting goal weights, etc., I get a bit leery. Yes, I understand that goals help us work toward achieving what we desire, but how does one determine his or her ideal weight other than by simply eating when hungry/stopping when full for an extended period of time? Sure, you can probably come up with a sensible 25 pound range or something, but… Ugh, the whole thing makes me nauseous.

I haven’t weighed myself in almost four years, and I have never missed it. Sure, it makes coming up with my current weight tough when I’m asked for it on driver’s license or other identification forms, but I usually just guess at something that seems right. I wouldn’t trade my peace of mind for anything. I refuse to measure myself according to a number like that.

When I last weighed myself (a few months after embarking on a new kind of recovery plan), I was much larger than I am now. Because of a doctor’s slip-up a couple of years ago, I do have some idea of where I stand weight-wise although I cannot remember the exact number she told me. Of course, as I bring that up, I have to tell the entire tale of that slip-up:

The doctor noticed that I had lost some weight over the year prior and wanted to congratulate me. I specifically noted my history of eating disorders on my paperwork, but apparently, she chose to ignore that. I’m grateful for the sentiment, I guess, but I didn’t really need to lose weight in the first place. The slight weight loss was simply due to consistently not bingeing and riding my bike a bit more. My question is: Why did no one congratulate me for gaining weight at times when that was necessary?

Anyway, the focus on weight and the notion that there is a “right” one concerns me. I long to stand up in my workplace and yell, “I hate diets!” I do. But yet, I am never sure how much to expose in the workplace. I still struggle some with food and exercise, and that has always held me back in terms of forthright participation in ED activism. Ultimately, though, who says I have to have “perfect” recovery before I can speak out? Me. I’m the only one.

I’m afraid that I will relapse and look like a fool if I am too open about my passion for eating disorder recovery. I’m afraid people will say, “It seems like she still has an eating disorder.” Right now, I want to ditch that fear. No one can take away the progress I have made. I will always have farther to go. I will always want to do better. But I can accept where I am right now and acknowledge how far I’ve come with a hardy pat on the back.

For anyone out there, you’ve come so far! Don’t hide it. Speak out. We’ll see if I’m able to in coming weeks. I have no idea how this workplace competition will affect me, but already, it makes me want to speak out and tell the story of body image from my perspective. More will be revealed…

From Letters to a Young Poet (Letter 8) - by Ranier Maria Rilke

I wanted to share with you all a passage that was given to me by a dear soul this weekend. It applies to my life and my latest experiments with living in remarkable ways. Enjoy!
~
We have no reason to harbor any mistrust against our world, for it is not against us. If it has terrors, they are our terrors; if it has abysses, these abysses belong to us; if there are dangers, we must try to love them. And if only we arrange our life in accordance with the principle which tells us that we must always trust in the difficult, then what now appears to us as the most alien will become our most intimate and trusted experience.

How could we forget those ancient myths that stand at the beginning of all races, the myths about dragons that at the last moment are transformed into princesses? Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.

So you mustn't be frightened, dear Mr. Kappus, if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall. Why do you want to shut out of your life any uneasiness, any misery, any depression, since after all you don't know what work these conditions are doing inside you? Why do you want to persecute yourself with the question of where all this is coming from and where it is going? Since you know, after all, that you are in the midst of transitions and you wished for nothing so much as to change.

If there is anything unhealthy in your reactions, just bear in mind that sickness is the means by which an organism frees itself from what is alien; so one must simply help it to be sick, to have its whole sickness and to break out with it, since that is the way it gets better....

Marketing - Let's Think about It

Want a glimpse into why teens and adults have such a skewed sense of self and desire? Part of the reason is marketing, and if you haven't already seen them, watch these two PBS Frontline reports that do an excellent job of investigating a both intriguing and repulsive world. It makes me sad for our teenagers, for everyone as consumers, and even for myself. But it also spurs me toward action. These reports are not new, but their message is still more than relevant. What do they spark within you?

The Merchants of Cool
The Persuaders

Media and marketing are not all bad. They can spawn innovation, creativity, and countless other valuable things. How would any message, positive or negative, spread without some form of marketing or media distribution?

But the dark side should be considered. What can we do about it? It's a little overwhelming for me. Can we band together to make a difference?

I guess that this is where organizations like Mind on the Media come in. Let's do our part to take some action!

Getting Real, Giving Out, and Giving Away

Okay, I'll admit it; the hurricane was a difficult event for me. (I'm resisting the urge to call it a "traumatic incident.") My power only stayed out for two days, I had everything I needed, and I received some outside support, but yes, I went through it alone. And that can be traumatic. (Okay, there, I used the word.)

It directed me into touch with new, strong parts of myself, but it also prompted a lot of emotions that I resisted and suppressed in order to get through the event itself. Now, the emotions are bubbling to the surface. Things having to do with my family, with relationships, with myself and my own history. All of it. Plus, I felt unempathized with.

I didn't have much physical upheaval other than the loss of some fridge food, a bit of car and window leakage, and a couple of hot days without electricity. But I didn't have the direct emotional support many others experienced. Oftentimes, helping someone else makes it easier to get through trials. In families, that kind of bonding/mutual assistance typically occurs naturally. I chose to ride it out alone and was not completely prepared for all that it exposed, finding myself without a ready shoulder to lean on.

So here I am, feeling the emotions and letting them play out as usual, learning many new things about life, the world, and myself. Sigh...

So where does the self-absorption end and the giving begin? I want to give of myself to a greater cause. I am admittedly reconsidering doing Team in Training, wondering if primarily nostalgia motivated me. Despite all of my very real and valuable reasons for wanting to participate, maybe it's time to raise money or advocate in a new way, for difference organizations, using methods that better reflect who I am today...

Still, I learned today that the Honored Hero I am training on behalf of passed away on Tuesday. Ten-year-old Johnny Romano, skateboarder extraordinaire. It shook me up a bit. He was so, so young... Keep his family in your thoughts/prayers.

At the same time, I wonder if I'd be better off advocating on behalf of ANAD or NEDA or NOW's Love Your Body project. There are also a few literacy groups I stand behind, not to mention the fabulous program Purple Songs Can Fly at Texas Children's hospital. The latter is connected with cancer support services, giving kids in treatment the opportunity to write and record their own songs. It's an amazing program, and I hope to be up there helping in the coming weeks.

For now, I want to be content giving as I can give right now, living life as a light to others. I want to do my part for the community. I want to help. But time is limited. My energy is limited. I have quite a bit to offer, though, and am longing to do so. I want to see where I should invest my resources.

Part of me would like to fundraise for one of the causes I mentioned above by coming up with my own fun events and ideas. We'll see what surfaces. It's always a good time to give, and I'm hungry for it right now. Reaching deep within often leads to reaching back out. Here I am, an emotional basket case, admittedly so, but knowing that perspective is in order. I give myself time to work out the kinks and also give some time away... I'm praying for inspiration for where to send it.

Learning to Relax

I could blog. I could write. I could clean my bathroom and mop the floor. But no, I want to eat a giant sandwich and watch Project Runway! And I'm letting myself.

Can't I give myself a break? I balanced my checkbook; paid my rent, water, and electricity; started my laundry; and reprogrammed my cell phone earlier today. That's a significant number of accomplishments. Hey, I even wrote a song. No kidding. Not sure how it happened, but it flowed.

Then again, I do know how it happened. I'm letting myself go with the flow. I'm letting myself enjoy. I could have gone to help clean up a city park today, but I was too tired to even begin to get out of bed before 10am. I've been letting myself flit around this morning, resulting in a freeness of mind. It's okay not to accomplish everything on my list of to-dos.

Nothing terrible is going to happen if I don't get my car shampooed today. (My attempts at post-flood cleanup left things worse than before, I think...but the smell is masked!) Same goes for cleaning the bathroom. It can wait another day. I can enjoy one day of my weekend, sleep in, and just take it as it comes. It's okay. My desires are welcome.

And looking back, as I listed earlier, I've still managed to do plenty of the tasks I had set before me. I didn't even mention the research I did into a new cell phone and laptop! Relaxing alone is an accomplishment. I feel good.

Anyway, I've reached out to a friend today. I'm sure I'll reach out more later. It's the ebb and flow of life, I'm learning. I venture into myself, I relax, I go back out, I fight the hard fight, I venture back in. It's a little cycle, and I never know how long I'll be in any stage or what that stage will look like exactly.

The main thing is that I'm still enjoying life. Maybe that seems ridiculous to some, considering the amount of effort I expend simply giving myself permission to do what I want to do, but I am enjoying life. I like the way I over-analyze a bit. It's okay. Everything belongs, right? In its own portion.

And you can do it, too. Let yourself relax. Eventually, the tasks that really need to be done will rise to the surface. By then, you may even WANT to do them. Why force yourself to do them now if they are, in fact, non-essential? Of course, there are certain things we must force ourselves to do sometimes. Why not embrace the moments when forcing things isn't necessary?

I mean, I can't watch Project Runway FOREVER, can I? Can I?...

#

Check it out: I ended up blogging anyway, without even realizing what I was doing... ;)

The Simple Life

I am officially in love with riding my bike (as if that wasn't apparent before). I hate traffic. Finally, I feel like being on my bike puts me ahead of the rest. It's freeing to know the back ways to get places, even when I do have to take my car. Getting to work by bike is a normal activity for me now, so it's no problem to two-wheel it in lieu of fighting lines at flashing stop lights and wasting precious gasoline.

Sitting in traffic makes me scream and cry and beat my steering wheel...and I mean literally. (I have the bruised forearms to prove it.) My stress levels rise that high.

In contrast, the time on my bike before and after work provides a space where I do nothing but travel. I don't think of it as exercise, and other potential daily activities don't enter my mind much. The only goal is a destination. The only objective is to stay safe on the road. Simple.

I desire simplicity more and more these days. Simple lifestyles attract me. I want to live in a community where I don't have to go far for anything essential, where my friends are near, where my interactions are not mitigated by layers of electronic facilitation. I like the idea of a few friends, a few things to do, a generous amount of time, and a whole lot of love. In many ways, the hurricane gave me a glimpse into that, and riding my bike expresses in a small way the simplicity my heart longs for. Thank you for beautiful weather and good health.

(Playing my guitar gets me back to basics, too.)

Recovery Is Real Website

I have been working on and off (mostly off) on a website showcasing the blogs of people who have recovered from eating disorders. It will possibly be expanded to showcase stories of such individuals and the vibrant lives they live, but for now, I'm pretty much just compiling a list of bloggers who have recovered. I want to show people that it is possible and that anyone, no matter how deep the suffering, can go on to do amazing things.

The blogs do not have to be about eating or body-related issues. They simply have to be written by someone who has recovered from an eating disorder of any kind.

If you are interested in helping with this effort or know of some blogs I could use, please contact me. Thanks and well wishes!

No electricity breeds creativity...and exhaustion...

I like to think I'm strong, that I can make it through anything. But hurricane aftermath? That might be my breaking point.

Suffice it to say that I am filled with immense gratitude. My water and power came back on Sunday afternoon. And although my cell phone drowned in a flooded street and my car smells like a swamp, I am blessed with an absence of the incredible difficulties so many people I know are facing.

Still, the backed up traffic brings me to tears. The shortened grocery store hours and long gas station lines make me frantic. Naturally, my shelves were fully stocked before the hurricane, and I continue on without need of anything. But everything has been thrown off, and that seems to be enough for me to break down.

However, for someone who struggles with change and for whom acclimation comes slowly, I did quite well during the storm. Years of awareness surrounding my trouble with non-routine times have made me quite an expert in preparation and coping. I was ready for the storm, and I continue to provide for my needs and those of people who come across my path. Good stuff.

To brag or not to brag? Brag! I made a stupendous apple crisp after the storm once I discovered that the ice cream shop across from my apartment had opened for business. (Baked desserts are only half-complete without a creamy, melt-a-licious topping.) The family who owns the shop still has no power at their house. No wonder they chose to go to work instead of roast at home!

Baking the dessert, talking to the shop owner's family, coming up with a fun way to kill a few hours... That little part of my week illustrates the things I find most excellent about disaster: people get to know one another and people discover their own creative coping skills. I now know more of my neighbors than I ever thought possible. I asked for help in tough circumstances and received it! I discovered that I have a knack for creating fabulous meals from only canned items. I also realized how blessed I am to enjoy reading and other non-electric-dependent activities. I have also learned how to strike up conversations with almost anyone. During the hurricane, my neighbors and I did it because we were bored. Now, I do it because I'm curious.

I love watching people who are able to handle discomfort well. Several folks at my office still without power are chugging along remarkably well. They take it step by step and simply do the next thing that needs to be done. Inconvenience leads to simplification. Just do the next thing.

In the midst of it all, I'm fine. Still writing music. Still planning on doing the half-Ironman (although I must confess that the training for that ranks very low on my list of priorities at the moment). Still calling friends, going to work, and getting outside and enjoying. I still have my endless list of to-dos, but I remain thankful that cleaning up a yard full of tree limbs or salvaging the contents of a flooded house do not count among my concerns.

Gratitude for sure. This life is a miracle, moment by moment.

Photos

Yes, I know some of you have wondered, "Why don't you post any pictures on your site or blog?" Well, because this blog is partially about eating disorders, I don't want to put any images up that could be fodder for appearance-comparison games. However, that motivation is lessening. (People can compare outside appearances if they want and decide on their own how healthy that is.)

Unfortunately, as I blogged about recently, thieves broke into my car and stole my camera, along with my iPod, my precious Alvarez guitar, its case, and my priceless songwriting notebook. They took a swimsuit and my good kaiki capris, but those items meant significantly less to me - but it does say a bit about the people who took them.

If I had a camera, I would take some good shots and upload them. Soon enough, people. Soon enough. I tend to procrastinate on making big purchases like that. So far, I have a camera, a new laptop, and a vacation lined up for future expense. Hopefully, I will gain the courage to give myself the gift of spending that money, but it just seems like I'm not saving as much as I'd like right now... I struggle a lot with finding financial balance, treating myself with generosity while exercising responsibility for my future needs. Learning, learning.

In any case, the camera is coming up soon. I figure it will be worthwhile on that vacation...

Coming Off the High

I feel a bit discouraged today, a typical occurrence after the kind of high I had over the weekend. I felt immensely supported and appreciated. My performance on Sunday went well, plus I received some serious spiritual nurturing while talking to my best friend and others throughout the past few days. That deep sense of connection mattered more than I expected. I also visited the home of an artist who creates beautiful paintings. I felt privileged simply to get to know this person, not to mention the work we did together on an art/music project on Saturday. I scoped out her studio and her home, which felt comfy and accepting, like a family -- or rather, the way we wish family would be

I have found myself trying to strike out, away from my family of origin just a bit. I adore my parents and feel loved by them, but I also hunger for a family of my own choosing, a family made up of friends and supportive people who know me in different ways. I am seeing that family sprout up around me, and I felt fantastic gratitude for it over the past two days.

It's strange to feel so absolutely fulfilled and then to feel quite alone. Today, I have called people, I have reached out, but my heart is aching. I know exactly what it aches for, but no action on my end can sate this hunger. Do you ever have those same yearnings? Are there things in your life that you want but cannot have? This sort of thing cuts a person like me to ribbons, a person who has discovered that people can have pretty much anything they want just by dreaming and asking and working and remaining open to receive. Then, here I am, faced with something I cannot get for myself, not this time.

In any case, this is a typical dip for me. I just came off of a fulfilling, nourishing time, and it's hard for the rest of life to live up to that standard. I am feeling my loneliness right now and also reveling in a pool of joy left over from the weekend. It's there, but my sadness is, admittedly, clouding it a bit.

Nonetheless, I am resurrecting my spirit by writing this piece, by thinking about music, reading and learning things today. I have reached out, and I am embracing this day for what it is.
I remain confident that I will continue to make decisions that reflect who I am and what I desire while also accepting the pullback resulting from taking such confident actions. I'm a bit tired and did a lot of socializing, so perhaps it is okay to pull inward a bit before stepping back out again, ready to take on the new challenges I've set for myself. Off we go.

Team in Training Memories

Ah, Team in Training... Let's return to the spring of 2003, when I had just moved back to Texas from an internship in Florida, and one of my two new roommates, Jenny, talked me into training with her for the Capital of Texas Triathlon in Austin, TX. At the time, I bingeing heavily and regularly; however, I had just switched my major to English and felt more positive about completing college than ever. I was beginning to make decisions based on my own interests, a novel thing for me as I was only then starting to differentiate between my true interests and the things I was "supposed" to be interested in for whatever reason.

What's more, I had proved through my full-time working internship that I could, in fact, complete difficult tasks and structure my own life somewhat. I was a functional ED sufferer on a VERY bumpy path to recovery. In fact, I did not believe in recovery at that point. I didn't believe in very much at all. But for some reason, I said yes to Jenny and decided to train.

Finishing was my only goal. I knew I could no longer put up the blistering running times I had in high school, and somehow, I had reached a point of acceptance. It must be said, for this is no small factor for me and the way I view fitness, body size, and recovery, that I was considerably heavier at the time of this training and racing than I am now. My weight stayed fairly consistent at this point; I suppose my body had learned my regular starvation/binge cycle. Nonetheless, I knew I was larger than our society's ideal. But after only a few weeks of training, I learned to love my body again. Only at age 20 did I truly begin to explore and appreciate my body, just as it was.

Even at my heightened weight, I raced faster than most people on our team. I knew it and harbored a special pride in it. I can affirm without hesitation that, despite the undeniable insanity of the bingeing, I was in the best shape of my life, aside from high school. Because of this experience, I am certain that body size does not directly indicate a person's fitness level or athletic ability. One of many, many lessons in not judging a book by its cover.

As for other lessons, Team in Training sustained me socially. Even though I made no close friends on the team, I at least gained surface-level friends. TnT events and training meetings provided me a place to go when I might otherwise have been bingeing or sinking into isolation. I didn't realize the importance of this structure at the time, but looking back, I can see how the training and fundraising gave me motivation beyond myself, kept me going to class, and offered structure to the chaos that was my existence.

As I wrote fundraising letters and people responded, I realized how many people in my life truly cared, not just about fighting blood cancer, but about me. I also received numerous personal stories from people who had survived or suffered with or knew someone who had cancer and met many who had participated in similar programs. I felt a positive connection to the world, a world that I otherwise classified as bleak, selfish, and unfeeling. I didn't recognize the window that was being opened at the time. Caring about others and feeling good about myself = a MAJOR breakthrough.

My first Team in Training experience came at a crucial juncture. I was making choices to finish school, to be responsible, to be honest, to have relationships with others, to go to class, to be involved in life at least somewhat. My living quarters were no longer a disaster area. I could face myself and learned to love myself just as I was. Even in a funk, I could get up and go to a fundraising event. I learned about my body and what felt good and what felt bad.

In any case, I hope this next Team in Training experience will prove even more impactful. I hope to be more mindful than last time of all the fabulous benefits involvement with this program affords. I can't wait to meet the honored hero I will be racing for, to start raising money, and to spread the word.

Significant Reflections ~

Back in 2003, having a fundraising website was almost unheard of. Now, it's a requisite! Feel free to visit mine at http://pages.teamintraining.org/txg/lstri09/mcowan to read more or donate funds. Believe me, even a couple of bucks helps!

Let's hope I swallow less drainage water during the swim. Jenny and I both thought we were going to die, not of exhaustion, but of some kind of poisoning, after the last race. The combo of rain runoff and Powerbar gels just doesn't work with post-triathlon fajitas... Ugh... I'll know better this time.

I also recall the severe cottonmouth experience during a 3.5-hour bicycle road ride just south of Lubbock. Instead of mixing Gatorade with water, I had the brilliant idea to buy Propel Fitness Water. Never again! Not as much energy as the Gatorade/water mix and twenty times the stuffy mouth. I couldn't even talk afterward! Craziness. Absolute craziness.

I'll never forget my long swims in the University pool with its convenient removable top or the incredible rides in Ransom Canyon. The triathlon also spurred consistent riding around the Canyon Lakes for the rest of my college career. I'll never forget riding my regular Canyon Lake trail through the Windmill museum and beside the Joyland Amusement Park, taking pictures the week of my college graduation. Patterns and structure I set for myself while participating in Team in Training stuck with me throughout school and into the recovery I experienced in 2005.

There are deep reasons why I love physical activity. I love the meditative mood it puts me in, the removal from all else going on in my life. I adore being outside and flowing somehow with nature or taking control and tackling tough obstacles and hills on my bike. And there are the memories, the memories that bubble up to join me each time I get on the road or take to the pool. Today, I get to create more.

Yes, I'm racing to find a cure, I'm racing for those suffering with blood cancers, but I'm also racing for myself and anyone else who is trying to find his or her way out of other illnesses and disorders...or disorder in general. I truly love that girl who raced her heart out in Austin in 2003. She didn't know she'd be here in five years; she didn't believe life could be this happy. I'm glad I proved her wrong.

Can Eating Disorder Recovery and Half-Ironman Training Coexist?

Conclusion: Yes.

Lately, I have felt considerably spent and resentful of certain other people in my life. Upon deeper investigation, I realized that I was allowing my explorations into the interests of others to take up all my time, leaving nothing for the pursuit of my own desires.

I say repeatedly that I'm "into" or "all about" music, but it has been months since my last open mic. I claim to be a writer but do no writing, having not taken the initiative to write a new article for work or on my own in weeks. And I frequently deny parts of who I am, such as the enjoyment I get from eating good food and participating in physical activities.

I'm going back to the beginning. What are the things that have always nourished me, that I can see myself going to as a child for centering and fun? Music, writing, lying around thinking and enjoying, running outside and playing. I remember thoroughly enjoying food and baking quite well. I also read, learned, and created things with my hands.

Today, I can still embrace all of these things and incorporate them into my job, my relationships, and my personal life. I do not need to be ashamed of any of the parts of myself, including the "cheesy" spiritual and recovery parts.

So, I recently made the decision to start actively pursuing more of the things I always say I'm "into." I may find I'm not so into those things anymore, or I may discover a new level of fulfillment. In any case, soon after I made that decision, I received a last minute request to perform my music for friends and strangers this weekend. A freelance writing opportunity came up. Plus, I signed up to do the Lone Star Half-Ironman with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society's Team in Training program. Choosing to accept these challenges for myself takes a great amount of faith.

Although I raised $2400 and completed an Olympic-length triathlon with the Team in Training in 2003, I have since shied away from competitive athletic events because I associate them with my eating disorder. However, about a year and half ago, I reconnected with my physically active self and started to embrace my natural abilities and the nourishment moving my body gives to my soul. As long as I keep it fun and don't tell myself I "have" to do this or that exercise, I stay on a healthy plane. That remains the plan during half-Ironman training.

After weeks with the idea of re-joining Team in Training repeatedly nagging me, I finally bit the bullet and signed up on Thursday. It felt so right. The camaraderie, the amazing cause, the challenge of raising that much money. It all comes at a wonderful, celebratory time in my life. I want others to recover from their illnesses just as I have been able to recover from mine. During training, I will continue to explore new foods and new ways to utilize my body. I intend to get in even better touch with myself than I already am while also getting out of myself to help others.

Additionally, I thrive on team activities. It's what I grew up with. During my teen years especially, my life was highly organized. Meeting friends in structured group settings works for me, and I choose to embrace that now instead of running away from it as a deficiency. I no longer "need" to join organizations or teams to have a social life, but it feels good to do so. I no longer "need" to exercise heavily, but I can challenge myself in activities I already know I enjoy.

I plan to take a look back at the last Team in Training season I participated in for my next blog. For now, though, I'm looking ahead and feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for where my life is today, the people in it, and the things I am miraculously able to do.

Equally Bad

What if every choice were equally bad? Of course, if that were the case, every choice would be equally good, too, but it seems to be more different and interesting for me to use the term "bad" here. I always want to do the "best" thing, habitually stymied by decision-making. I often eat in lieu of making decisions. I focus on what is easy for me - food - instead of simply making a choice.

After I confessed this aloud to someone, she kindly told me that the basic act of making a decision is a gift. Why not give myself the gift of making a decision, even if it might not be the best one? And furthermore, what if there were no best?

For some reason, my mind immediately jumped to the idea that if all choices were equal, they would all be equally bad. So what did it matter what I chose?

What if I started bingeing, called a friend, and told that friend that I was bingeing and wanted to hear what he/she thought about that? What if I drove across town, then out of town, and then across the state? What if I didn't clean my bathroom and allowed myself to lie around and read all Saturday? What if I didn't try to write music? For me, some of these things are far-fetched; others are not. They are all completely doable, but would I do them? Would I choose not to? In my new case scenario, it doesn't matter anyway.

Does it all come down to just doing SOMETHING? Well, I don't think so. I think my main difficulty here may be in the focus on DOING rather than BEING. Can I just BE? But in choosing to just be, isn't that doing something? Doesn't being hold doing inside of it?

This is where my mind goes when I cease putting restrictions on it and allow all thoughts equal reign. Of course, even that isn't really happening. My brain is filtering out a lot of thoughts simply so that I concentrate on the act of writing this piece.

I started a few little writings today, including one on stream-of-consciousness living (pretty close to what's going on right now in this post) and one on the best vegetarian pizza in town (the results of my current quest). The latter post, however, aroused my hunger for pizza from a place I'd never tried. So I did, resulting in incredible disappointment which completely threw me for a loop. I found myself re-roasting vegetables from last night's dinner and eating partially cooked pieces while standing up in the kitchen. I jumped back and forth between reading a book, eating, and watching the Olympics for a while before deciding to clean the bathroom, vacuum my entryway and welcome mat, and take the recycling to the drop-off. Stream-of-consciousness living, just going from one thing to the next as it presents itself. It's not so fun for me, considering the number of thoughts that pop up at any single moment throughout the day, but I fell into the pattern.

Even now, I'm not sure where this post is going except that I do not want to judge my behavior right now. I don't feel like making plans with anyone, but if someone called, I would probably agree to go do something. I might let myself read. I keep trying to write songs and keep coming up with lots of half-formed things. It feels like fail, fail, fail with music these days.

Admittedly, part of my drive to not judge my behavior is an attempt to forgive myself for my lack of songwriting and performing lately. And as I go back, editing this post, I see that the many half-songs I've created may later turn into whole-songs or serve as catalysts for something entirely new. In fact, I can see that I've done a lot today, not just with music, but in general.

It's okay if I want to read and watch television. It can be okay. So what if I'm not striving after my dreams? Do I have to? Why? Can I choose anything and be okay?

In any case, I'm sure this post exposes the deep-seeded insanity that resides within me. I could never deny it. What you read now is a product of my seemingly innate tendencies to over-think and romanticize. I can go a long time ignoring my thoughts and pretending they aren't there while I'm really just storing up dozens, or maybe hundreds, of jumbled thoughts, questions, and dreams, which spill out on solitary Saturdays like this.

Perhaps one day, I will get my ED community site up and running, perhaps I will write a book, perhaps I will, perhaps I will. Perhaps all these things are equally bad. And maybe all I really want or need to do is sit and read. Can I give myself permission to make that choice? Will I give myself permission to achieve nothing?

I Wish

I wish a lot of things. I wish I didn't focus so much on food during times of transition. I wish I were the lead singer of a rock band. I wish just one of the starring actresses in the movie I just saw was not uncomfortably thin. I wish I had infinite energy and no fear.

I wish. I wish. I wish.

Time to stop wishing and start seeing. I can envision what I want and work to create that. I can simultaneously accept life and myself as-is, in love.

I struggle and struggle to feel good or solid or something unnamable. But I only really feel like myself when I stop struggling and start accepting and enjoying, wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, in that moment. Life teaches me to enjoy and appreciate the process, instead of fretting over the goal.

Bottom line: I feel a little mixed-up right now, but I want to go with it and trust that I will end up in a beautiful place. I am safe anywhere...

Lasagna - Multi-Layered, like Me!

I made myself lasagna tonight. Not a bad first attempt I must say, especially considering that I mishmashed different recipes together until I had included all the elements I enjoy. I'll use less tomato sauce next time (I tend to get overzealous with the 'mato - I love them so.), have a more compact layer of pasta/ricotta cheese/caramelized onions and mushrooms/pasta in the middle, and find a more inventive ricotta mixture.

I love to cook. People struggling with and recovering from eating disorders have a wide range of attitudes toward cooking. Some avoid it; others revel or even obsess over it. Although I didn't cook much during the midst of the disorder, I remember being quite the baker before. I made heavenly cakes, and still can. My ability to follow recipes to the letter leads to that. Perfectionism has a few advantages. Cooking, as opposed to baking, requires a bit more creativity, so I like doing both for different reasons. At this point, my relationship with this expressive art (as I do consider it) seems healthy.

I have endless patience while cooking because it is such a pleasant, meditative time. I love coming up with new, more colorful combinations or getting totally immersed in the execution of a challenging recipe. It's flat-out fun. Plus, I don't mind the taste too much either.

Confessedly, though, I haven’t been trying many new things in the past few years. I still question my ability to control myself around food, and planning meals often feels like obsessing. Plus, cooking can be a hassle I just don’t have time for. Check it out! I’m like everyone else, eating disordered or not.

Tonight was about stretching. I undertook a more involved recipe with a baking time that requires a span of time without eating between the actual assembly of the lasagna and the plating of it. I tend to start grazing while cooking and then just continue on into the meal once it's finished. (I'm great at 30-minute wonders.) But tonight I proved that I could complete a full preparation/cooking/plating cycle without getting full before mealtime. I decided what I wanted beforehand, shopped for the ingredients, prepped, cooked, and ate, all without feeling compulsive. I ENJOYED it. The recipe included challenging ingredients for me, so it stretched me a bit there, too.

In any case, I'm proud of this achievement. A lasagna, I know, simple. But I'd been wanting to do this for weeks, if not months. And lately, I'd been fantasizing about it more.

Usually, constant fantasizing about something means I need to look into what the obsession is about. Is the fantasy leading me somewhere good or somewhere harmful? For me, food fantasies can be either.

In this case, I shied away from the fantasy because preparing this kind of a meal (with lots of prep-work involved) requires an extended focus on food. And I don't need help focusing on food! I always fear that cooking that sort of meal will lead to an increased food obsession in me.

However, I am examining my food more closely lately and trying to take chances. By cooking what used to be a complete no-no food for myself, I worry that it might lead to a binge. However, the case more often than not lately has been that eating a fear food DECREASES my binge urges. It may increase my anxiety, but I usually am able to put the fork down. This is what happened tonight. I feel fine. I stopped. It tasted good, but the meal had a beginning and an end.

I am slowly dismantling the power my fear foods once held over me. After many successful lasagna meals and similar patterns with other fear foods, I know the reality and liberation that results from diminishing their stronghold. Reintroducing foods like lasagna takes a while, but I am usually able to succeed. In the beginning, I often try to make the food "safer" by choosing certain ingredients, or I'll make it myself before attempting it at a restaurant (or vice versa, depending on the nature of the fear). I usually freak out or stop short of eating enough to be satisfied a few times before I get really comfortable. But my comfort level with the food typically increases naturally. If I'm having difficulty getting over a specific one, I pray for moments when I'll be forced to stretch. Usually, I get what I ask for (a challenge from the universe I usually have to accept begrudgingly and with much fear).

This has only been possible in the last few years of recovery. For a long time, I felt no desire to include no-no foods in my diet. Eventually, though, I saw that my anxieties were inhibiting me. At parties, at restaurants, in moments when nothing was available but a fear food, I found myself weak and disappointed in myself. I decided that reintroducing these foods would enable me to feel freer about food and my body in general. I would also be more likely to get the amount of calories needed to sustain a healthy weight.

The urge to eat these foods has come back slowly, and I still display marked resistance to certain items. But countless foods have moved into my consciousness over the past few years, things I want to try. And by acting on those visions responsibly, instead of just ignoring them and starving or bingeing on “safe” foods, I have become a far healthier and more relaxed eater.

My fantasies typically guide me toward the next food or activity I want to try. Yes, I added activity. I follow this same pattern with anything I fear - or I try to. I decided a couple of years ago to start living based on faith instead of fear. A treasured friend once told me how she had started examining her decision-making process and day-to-day living by asking herself, "Am I acting out of faith or out of fear?" She decided to make choices that required faith instead of avoiding things that caused fear. I now challenge myself to the same test. Following faith has always acted in my favor.

I am not talking about rushing into rash actions simply to fly in the face of fear. When acting impulsively, reasonable caution can be mistaken for fear. To rebel against that caution is not the same as looking at a situation and determining what will take more faith.

Do I always choose the shaky path of faith, wading through a boggy field of fear? No. But I try to go that way.

Right now, I'm admittedly afraid. Eating the lasagna was an attempt at finding strength. Afterward, I feel content but also an undercurrent of trepidation. I don't want to start bingeing, gain too much weight, or sit here forever alone, eating lasagna… The fears run deep – to issues seemingly unrelated to food.

Why are these fears coming up? Well, I may address that in future posts, for lasagna is not the only fear-inducing fantasy I have actualized in the past few days. I broke up with my boyfriend - my best friend - last weekend.

To clarify, this was not a couple-month fling blown out of proportion by my romantic mind. We have been together long enough to develop something remarkably special. If anything was meant to be, we were.

Although I recognize that breakups are a typical kind of tragedy, it hurts and brings up many issues for me. I knew it needed to be done; the persistent fantasies of breaking it off indicated that. Nonetheless, making healthy choices can be difficult. Trusting myself to be alone can be difficult. To still love someone but not want to be with him anymore hurts, as I'm sure most of you know.

But that's for the next post. No doubt that I use food to express my feelings and care for myself. For now, let's just be proud of the lasagna-enjoyer over here!

Addendum to "Admitting the Truth"

Bottom line: Food will never be enough to satisfy me. Food is fuel for LIFE. The insatiable hunger is for the nourishing, beautiful life I know is possible. Food simply provides the energy to fully enjoy and experience that life. Mouth watering yet?

Admitting the Truth

When I sit down to eat, I sit down with myself. It has been a long time since I had a bowl of cereal - a simple concoction of grains and milk, maybe some fruit or cinnamon added for pizzazz. I just finished eating one. Delicious. I was hungry.

For months, I've been attempting to sate this hunger within, a hunger fueled by long bike rides, walks, and all my daily energy expenditures, with fruit and energy bars. I eat more than four or five times per day easily. I eat all the things I feel comfortable with. But it's never enough. I don't WANT to eat the things that will help me sustain my weight. I don't WANT the high-fat and/or high-calorie foods I've long avoided. But in order to survive, I have to start asking myself if I should try these foods I don't want, just to see if I like them enough to reintroduce them to my diet.

I'm living on the teetering edge, it seems. That's how I feel. My mother commented this weekend that I was looking thin. She asked if I was doing anything about it. I told her, honestly this time (as opposed to many years ago when I never really tried), that I was working on eating more, that I am working on eating until I am satisfied. The only difficulty with this lately is that I never feel satisfied. I want so much more than is normal. And I believe this is because I am underweight. Of course, my mom is the only one with guts enough to say it aloud, perhaps because she's one of the few who understand the havoc this disorder can wreak. That is why, instead of doubting her (For who can help but doubt the over-protectiveness that comes with being a mom?), I'm believing her.

Admitting this now scares me. I want to be a normal weight. I know that the thoughts about food and the focus on food diminish when I eat enough and reach a healthy weight. But I have yet to fully step over the food hurdle. I have broken through with many fear foods in the last year. But it's time for more. I long for FULL recovery, and that takes "risky" moves sometimes.

Right now, I'm just below where I want to be weight and diet-wise. Notice that I said, "where I WANT to be." It's no longer about where I NEED to be. I have no answers to the question of where I should or need to be. I am not at a dangerous weight or doing anything monumentally perilous with food. Where I need to be is with my healthy desires. I am wise enough to know what is best. I believe that. I get more and more in touch with that part of me every day.

Let me outline the main points of this difficulty:
1) I am underweight.
2) I think I would be more beautiful/healthier/able to think more clearly if I were at a higher weight.
3) I must eat more in order to get to that higher weight.
4) I must be willing to eat foods that I have some anxiety toward in order to consume enough calories to gain weight.
5) I am still afraid of those foods.
6) I still have some worries about actually being bigger and staying that way (loss of power, loss of "special-ness").

So there it is, laid out as simple as day. My goal is to think more clearly and feel better. How does that happen? Gain weight. How does that happen? Eat enough. How does that happen? I must be willing to eat until I am actually SATISFIED - and this includes eating foods I am uncomfortable with while trusting myself to know when to stop eating.

I also have to realize that I am special without this eating disorder and powerful without being thin. I am unique and strong in and of myself, regardless of outside markers.

I want the food obsession to end. And until my body knows it is out of a physical danger zone, I will naturally, biologically focus on food. It's time to end this!

In light of my new goals, changes have to be made. I have made so much progress over the past decade, especially in the past four years, with this eating disorder. I must let go of it as an obsession to make room for the other things that wish to occupy my mind, like music, writing, friends, and general exploration of life. Right now, I tire myself out, and all I can think of is consuming food and then expending the energy I take in.

I have moved. I'm settled in, both in my new physical home and in recovery. It's time to release control.

This is not as simple as eating more. Or maybe it is that simple, but it's still not easy. It means letting down strongholds I have built up that dictate when I will eat, what kind of food, in what location, in addition to how much. It also ties into notions of my body and if I am willing to release the thin, childlike one I have for one more appropriate for my age and stature. I wouldn't mind looking more like a woman than a girl, would I?

Society approves of my current weight. I am no thinner than a typical movie actress. But I am thinner than I feel is optimal. I can tell. I hate looking in the mirror and thinking, "I look like a high schooler." No. I want the strong, sufficient woman on the inside to shine through on the outside. More food would give me the energy and appearance to do that.

So I am also bucking society. I have to do what is right for me. It means resting more and listening to my body, trusting that it knows how to take care of itself. I can enjoy food while not overindulging or restricting all the time. I don't have to be a tiny size to be loved or successful. I will find success that is not based on superficial things. And I will be focused and sharp enough to pursue my dreams. Food will not distract me from my goals.

Creative expression - musically and in my writing. Helping others with eating disorders or depression. Loving those around me. All of these are worthy goals. And I want the stamina to achieve them. I still want to ride my bike and rock climb and walk and swim and do all the active things I do. I have made huge strides in putting exercise in its place. Now, it's time to see what lies beneath my resistance to new foods. It's time to release control. It's time to let my body be my body as I let myself be me.

All these things seem like Eating Disorder Recovery 101 to me. But sometimes I have to work my way around, through all the abstract concepts and underlying factors in my eating disorder to get back to the plain truth: How I look and what I eat ARE components of this, and I must use all the deep emotional and spiritual work I've done to combat what lies on the surface. I will win, and how I feel physically will be an expression of that.

Come with me.

A Harder Day

Today, I am having a bit of trouble. Everything from yesterday still holds true, but today is a new day. Right now, I feel far less accepting of my desire to be alone. My current routine feels disturbingly reminiscent of other times I have moved off into my own place. I am exploring the new territory to which I have moved, and that has provided immense fun. But it feels like much of my time is spent alone. And I must confess that a large portion of my exploring has been restaurant and food-related. I wonder if I will go into binge mode.

I know all the tools I have. I know all the fun and interesting things to do out there, and when I don't know what's going on, I know where to look. I just don't care right now. I want to be alone. I want to cave in. I want to be inside myself and feel out all these feelings. I want to turn inside out and become a new person.

These are strange feelings. But I have seen something that has thrown me off-kilter lately and may be one source of angst: a lack of commitment from people, or at least broken commitments. People either refuse to make promises or break them. It seems that the last few weeks have been rampant with cancellations. This means that I have more of a desire to behave the same way: avoid making plans, stay in my own space, deny that others need my side to make plans, too. It's easy to fall into this - as if I will always have last-minute options arise that will be better than potential plans I could make.

I just feel undervalued. It seems that people I care very deeply for are not making me a priority at all. I am not worth their time - or there are other people in their lives who matter more.

Now, I recognize the selfishness and self-centeredness of this. I want people to devote time and energy to me. And I want to be wanted more than anyone else in their lives. Well, of course, that lacks any tie to reality. Family comes up. I live far away now. But I want to be desired. I want to be reached out to. I used to drop in on people. No one drops in on me. I live far away. This is hard to cope with. I want more friends who live closer.

And so, here I am, fantasizing about food off and on, uncertain about how much I want to exercise, go out, play music, or do ANYTHING. Familiar? Why do I always wind up here?

Can I accept myself if I only want to lay around and eat? Can I make healthy choices? Can I be social enough? Will I create a vibrant life for myself on this new side of town? Yes. Yes. I know what is best. I am following it. I must believe this. I am loved - even if by me alone. I'm sure other people love me, too. I just want to feel it.

I thought I would confess my current food/exercise worries simply to put it out there. I fear falling off the wagon and no one seeing. Even if they saw, would they pick me up? Could they pick me up? I may have to do that for myself.

But I do not intend to fall. I intend to rest and let myself be until I do desire healthier things. This shift usually occurs sooner than I expect. Learning to trust.

Oil Changes, Respect, Routine, and Acceptance

Barely missed the rain! Had to get my oil changed today, so I left my car at the shop and rode my bike in to work. They called later to say my auto was ready for pick up, and I planned to either get a ride or take my bike after work. Well, I saw the clouds forming and then checked the weather. Storms were afoot in the afternoon.

So I hopped on my good old Raleigh and headed for the shop, where I was taken care of in due time. The rain started sprinkling as I turned into the parking lot, and minutes after I entered the building, it started pouring. Perfect timing if ever there was!

Anyway, I got out of there without spending too much. Final conclusion - and one that I've made dozens of times: I hate all car-related business. I go in guarding against being taken advantage of, which probably only increases the likelihood that they will try to do so. Energies, my friend. They always call with extra “recommendations” that I rarely take. This time, it was low washer fluid, bad battery, and tire rotation. Well, I have my own washer fluid for changing, I get free tire rotations at Discount Tire, and AutoZone will install a new battery free if I buy it there. There are also brake pads that need to be replaced, but my boyfriend assured me he would do that. (He also assured me that we would change the oil again this time, and it never happened. We’ll see… It’s a matter of time constraint.)

So, I hightailed it out of there and back to work. Another conclusion: I love it when my day has variance. I hate getting stuck in the same routine over and over. Well, today, I was free of that. Car work tends to do that for me – but it also causes tremendous stress. Positives and negatives to all. But what is the stress about?

Well, I have a driving desire to “stick it to the boys.” It’s always been that way. But the fact is, I don’t know that much about cars. I could very easily be taken advantage of in auto mechanic situations. So I put on a face. I immediately rebuff the car guys when they try to explain the car situation to me. I am fine when I ask friends, my dad, my boyfriend about cars. I want to know. They know I’m smart. I trust them to be smarter in this area than me. But with the car guys, I have to show them. I don’t want to hear their reasons. I just want them to change everything out and be done with it. Do what I say and move on.

So I do whatever I can to prove I am capable. And that includes taking my bike. I like that I refuse their offers to help me load my bike into my car and then dazzle them with how quickly I remove the tire and slide it in. I feel like I win a bit of respect when I ride of on my wheels or when I return and handle things smoothly. With auto work, I feel like my bike is my only asset. It allows me freedom beyond my automobile and a trump card outside the car guys' expertise. Maybe it’s a sort of leveler.

It all takes me back to high school. I worked out with the men’s cross country team once a week. This always thrilled me. Sometimes, I got to do it twice in a week. There were only one or two guys I couldn’t beat, and I truly relished that. Plus, it made me better to be pushed a little harder. We were a smaller program, but still AAAA (if you know the Texas system). I was good, and I liked affirmation of that – and respect.

I’m constantly craving respect. And I try to get it from any source. I wanted it from the car guys, but it’s so hard to get when I know significantly less about the subject matter than they do. It’s the same in regular conversation. In my topic areas of expertise, I feel comfortable. Only if I can treat the situation as a learning experience am I content with times when I’m completely out of my element.

I have to give myself a pat on the back here, though. In the past year, I have been repeatedly pulled into new territory. I’ve changed groups of friends, moving in and out of different groups and subcultures. I have learned more about cars and climbing and bikes and cooking and Asia and spirituality and traveling than I ever thought possible. My horizons have been expanded. And I find that I savor the learning.

It’s just that the mechanic shop adds a financial quotient to the mix. I do not want to be ripped off. I am suspicious of them, and that wrecks the trust required in a learning experience. I want to trust the person telling me information enough that I can accept that he or she or I might be wrong, and I still listen. I don’t want to feel like the other person is giving me a fully one-sided view designed to take me down.

So – for today, I am trying to win respect and have variance in my routine. I need to do different things. I’ve been wanting to do nothing but hole up in my apartment and eat or cry or feel or...I'm not sure at this point. It’s odd. I want a bit of solitude – although I welcome the love of my boyfriend or my family and fear the depression that often accompanies my alone time.

I crave one-on-one interaction most of all. The big party stuff is a bit tough right now. I also haven’t been seeking out as many new, off-the-wall events. There has been less cultural searching. I’m sitting and flowing right now. Hopefully, I will begin to branch out more soon. I want to continue going to gallery shows and movies and theater. It will be good. I trust myself to break out of the mold.

But for now, I seem to like sitting alone, exploring, riding my bike, going shopping. Just being alone. But still, there’s a nagging inside – what SHOULD I do? What is the BEST thing? These questions drive me insane! Like I can’t choose to do something (whether social or solitary) and that be okay. I trust a higher power to balance me out because I don’t know how to find balance. I think I just need to let it happen. I'm not sure of the next step.

I want new friends; I want to explore music more. I want to feel okay. But the bottom line is - all I have is now. This day is going well so far, so I pray for it to keep going.