Saturday, January 26, 2008

"Cool" Me

I want to accept my introverted nature. I see people going out all the time, extroverts or introverts who like to be surrounded by people, and I think something must be wrong with me. I love going out with my friends, but a night in often hits the spot. I forget that not everyone has hobbies like reading, writing, and practicing music. Others enjoy team sports or shopping or chatting with friends at every turn. I, too, relish going out with friends on a night when I am in the mood, but it appears that frequently, I require an evening alone, enjoying me, doing the things I like to do on my own.

Why do I deny myself that pleasure? Well, because staying in does not match the image I have of myself as a "cool" person. The cool version of me finds interesting things to do, goes out, dances, lives it up, and has long, deep conversations with people into the wee hours. She doesn't sit around watching TV or reading until 9:30, when she starts packing it up for an early bedtime. But guess what? The real version of me likes BOTH. And that's far cooler.

However, knowing that I am cooler as a balanced person does not mean that I always act on that knowledge. In fact, this notion of a "cool" self permeates the overall vision I have for my life and leads to cycles of disappointment.

"Cool" me would have X job in X location and would be working on projects X, X, and X. She would live in X kind of place and keep X hours and wear X kind of clothing. She would be at X place in her career, relationships, and life goals. She would have X number of influential contacts. The list goes on and on - of things "cool" me has, that the real me does not.

Truth be told, I am content with my life. I am not bored. I enjoy the things I do and like where I am. Part of me trusts that without much effort, life will continue to unfold, and I will continue to feel happy. Just stop striving! But the achievement-oriented part of me worries so much about other people's perceptions, constantly pushing me to do more, to reach higher, to be better. And although these sentiments have their place, they should not even come close to ruling me.

Pursuit of the "cool" self ends in shame and disappointment. I never reach those levels. And oftentimes, the real me doesn't even want the things the imaginary "cool" me wants. She wants a steady life, with regular excitement and spontaneity. She wants to live comfortably and have loving relationships with family and friends. That's about it. All the other stuff is fluff.

By relying on the "cool" self to judge my life, I'm denying my true self. My true self likes a lot of the things "cool" self likes and does a lot of the same things. Her life is much the same, but she has another side, a part that does things I might not think are so cool. She is connected to the world in a way that makes achievement less significant. Real me is far cooler than "cool" me. Far cooler.

The challenge lies in accepting her. I must let her shine and give her what she needs instead of expecting her to run on the fumes my cooler self thrives on. Real me doesn't have to move so quickly. Real me likes things just as they are and wants to rest. Real me isn't nearly so frantic, though she may not attend all the parties or call ten people every day. She loves people in her own way. She writes letters and spends quality one-on-one time with people in addition to the few parties she graces with her presence. She radiates a beautiful spirit.


We can all discard our cooler images and accept what is really there. This way, we lose the need to live up to unrealistic expectations and give ourselves a chance to fully rest and enjoy life. It also may give us a window into what we really like and don't like. I can accept me today. I am not the person I was yesterday, nor am I a person I imagine myself being tomorrow. I am as glorious as ever right now, just as I am. Food for thought: Everyone else is, too.

Saturday, January 19, 2008

Plans vs. Spontaneity - Struggling to Balance

Do I rely too much on structured plans? Is it okay that I cry out for them? I do. I can take a few instances of instability, not knowing where I will go or what I will do in a day, having all of that taken out of my control. I can deal with some hiccups and unpredictability, but those instances add up, and I often find myself confused and desperate at the end of a long series of changed plans and uncertain days. I crave a scheduled appointment, a night when I know what I will be doing. I crave the steadiness of a routine day.

Is this a weakness? I frequently do things and accept people/events into my life that challenge my tendency toward a type-A lifestyle. I try to stretch my boundaries. But the experiments and attempts to overcome my thirst for absolute order (and perfection, really), leave me exhausted.

I need some stability. I need a measure of security. I can advance beyond my daily to-dos, but I can also take refuge in them. I don't like the carpet pulled out from under me too often. This is simply a personality characteristic. I function best with a measure of routine. But I also need the stimulation of stepping beyond my self-imposed boundaries.

So there I am, hoping that I am advancing at a quick enough rate, all the while knowing, cerebrally, that no timetable exists to mark my progress and grade me pass or fail in my ability to be flexible. I am so much more relaxed than I used to be. My life is freer and more open to spontaneity than ever. But I must come home to a regular rhythm now and again - frequently, in fact.

This is okay. I am making progress day by day. And seeing that I need the stability of knowing when I will need to break out of my independent path helps me give myself what I need. I can make sure that I have a few predictable things on my schedule while remaining open to the unknown, the potential excitement of surprise events and invitations. I remain open to the fluctuation of my feelings. My schedule does not trap me; it is all mine and can be changed to facilitate an expanding life.

I can have both scheduled, plan-oriented friends and spontaneous, unstructured friends in my life. I love them all. But I love myself enough to balance my experience of the two. Ultimately, I want to be able to give of my time liberally to both while maintaining my own sanity. This is what I'm working on today. I am just as I should be right now. I know more and more what I need and see what others need and what they have to give.


My goal is to not be bound by schedules and plans, but rather, to accept plans because they enable me to love myself and others more while embracing the rush of life I find when allowing my feelings and the flow of life to guide me. I want to let go while still functioning in a world where connection requires a little schedule-coordination. Personal freedom always comes first. At least, I believe this today.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Take Care ~ Part 2

As promised, I continue with the take-care-of-yourself theme, moving on to the idea of preference. Defining my preferences (as ever-changing as they may, in fact, be) involves looking at choices I make and the reasons I make those choices. Investigating the motives behind these decisions illuminates my needs/wants and the most fulfilling ways of responding to them.

The idea of having preferences was so revolutionary when it was first introduced to me, it stayed on my mind for days. I always thought less of myself if I didn’t accept a certain situation, food, person, or feeling as readily as another. I thought that if I didn’t like a certain restaurant, I was being too picky. Or if I didn’t like going to a certain sporting event, I lacked a fun-loving spirit. Not the case! I simply like some things better than others. And that’s just fine. Now, I am in the process of examining the things I say I like and don’t like so that I can determine whether I truly dislike certain things or am just afraid of them. It’s all about why I choose to do the things I do, eat the things I eat, and live the way I live. Brief summary:

Preference = Because I like this one best, I choose it.
Fear = Because I fear this most, I do not choose it.

For many years, and still, I made decisions based on fear. We are taught to use the process of elimination when making tough decisions, but this technique, while valid and helpful, tends to shift attention away from and discount legitimate desire, instead focusing on negatives and anxiety. When fear is my decision-making tool, whatever frightens me most is either the thing to avoid or the thing to tackle. Never mind asking myself which thing I want to do the most.

In the past, I thought that identifying a “want” was impossible. I always more readily accessed what I did NOT want than what I did. When choosing a restaurant, I could name a score of places I would not select but come up empty on positive suggestions. I knew all the things I didn’t want to study and all the places I didn’t think I would like to live…but why? And what qualities would make something appeal to me instead of turn me off? Could some attractive qualities be added to a choice to make it a feasible option? Those questions were never asked.

Now, I am developing preferences, not fears. When I go to a restaurant, I am learning to select my meal based on the options that sound good to me instead of by eliminating dishes with ingredients I fear. By trying new foods, I can determine whether I truly dislike something or if I just fear it. Many foods have been reincorporated into my diet simply by tasting them and realizing that I truly do enjoy them. As I eat them more often, the fear that once surrounded those formerly dismissed foods dissipates. And of course, there are some foods that I honestly dislike. That’s okay, too. I don’t fear those foods. I simply don’t like them.


This concept applies to all other decisions I make in life. It is confining to not do something because I’m afraid of it. On the other hand, deciding that I don’t like an option and therefore selecting another liberates me.

For instance, I prefer one-on-one engagements to large parties. I will play card games, but they aren’t my favorite things. I would rather go to the movies or have coffee with someone. So, say my friends are putting together a huge poker tournament on a Friday evening with 20 people. Even though the more “exciting” option might be the poker tournament, I can choose to invite a friend to dinner and a movie instead. Of course, in that situation, I want to look at the options and see if I’m afraid of the large-scale social contact. If so, I may want to brave it, provided I feel strong enough, so that I can perhaps grow a bit. But if I’ve had a long week filled with social activity, it might be wiser to go with my preference by bowing out and going out to dinner. That’s how I care for myself. I stretch myself and challenge fears but also reward and indulge myself with things I know I enjoy.

The key is learning what I enjoy, what I want. I like having a cache of ideas ready when I’m feeling low, so that I can pull one out quickly to build myself up. Some examples include:

-Good books – Sitting and reading in my chair or bed for long periods of time.

-Journaling – Especially before bed. I feel grounded and whole.

-Home-cooked meals – Sitting down and enjoying something truly scrumptious. I also enjoy cooking a fabulous meal with the finest colors and tastes available. The methodical process of creating that meal and then the bliss of sitting down quietly, especially with a good friend or family member, is completely enjoyable.

-Trying new things/foods – I will go anywhere to try a new restaurant or go to a new museum exhibit. I will try new sports, if only once. I will see different comics, different poets, and different sites. I even love a simple drive to new surroundings, no matter how unexotic. Reading something different or trying to paint a picture both intrigue me.

Someone recently told me that scientific research proves that people who live a more varied life, trying new things, maintain memory and other brain function better than those with more routine lifestyles. Routine keeps me sane. Trying new things keeps me energized.

-Playing music – To sit at the piano and sing is pure bliss for me. Figuring out chords on my guitar and writing songs takes me to new regions of fun.

-Driving – The sharper the corners, the better! Speed it up! I love to drive or ride with people who drive as crazily as I do. And I really don’t get too frustrated in slow traffic anymore thanks to recovery and a collection of great music I keep handy.

-Moving my body – Any way I can move, especially swimming, dancing, and cycling, helps me feel fabulous. As long as I honestly want to move and I don’t get bored with the activity, I know I’m not overdoing it. The moment I start dreading it or it feels like a drudgery, I know it’s time to take a break from that activity and either rest or find a new one for a while. I find that I can usually go back to things later with increased enthusiasm after a few weeks of break.

-Going out to the movies – I adore sitting in a pitch black theater, completely surrounded by sound and new visual stimuli. I get completely wrapped up in the story and become the characters. If it’s funny, I laugh out loud. If it’s more serious, I’m completely drawn in. If I connect deeply with a certain character, it takes a few hours for me to stop pretending I am that person.

-Talking to friends one-on-one – If I have an opportunity to have coffee or a meal or just a sit-down with another person, I will grab it. I have difficulty concentrating in large-scale gatherings and tend to try to be more of an entertainer in those scenarios. I love situations that encourage deeper connection. That’s where I thrive.

By participating in these activities, I nourish my soul. It’s also handy to know this because I can combine something I enjoy with something I fear to lessen the fearful feelings. If I’m afraid to try a new bike trail (because I’m afraid I’ll get injured, I don’t want to look silly or inexperienced, or I just don’t like getting dirty), I can choose to go with one other person instead of a huge group. I can choose to limit the time to only a few hours. I can also make sure I’m doing something else particularly nourishing that day. I can also suggest that we go to breakfast or lunch before or after the ride so that I have something I know I’ll look forward to in combination with the difficult ride.

For me, I often have to do this when invited to go shopping with other people. I hate shopping with others, but I like the social camaraderie. Sometimes, it’s a great experience. Other times, I leave feeling drained and irritated. As long as I make sure I am nourished outside of that experience, I can deal with whatever happens. I make sure I have a good lunch, make sure I get enough sleep, make sure I save time for actual conversation with the people I’m with. (I get particularly frustrated when I spend a full day with someone and we never talk about what’s really going on in our lives.)

I can do things that are not on my list of preferences, and I will enjoy them more if I can incorporate things I like into that activity or option. I can choose to do things that I fear because I am fully grounded in who I am and what I enjoy. Work, errands, relationships, and home life can all be enhanced by making sure I’m giving myself enough of what I need. I will no longer choose something because it is the lesser of two evils. I will choose the option I like. And if I don’t like any of the options, I will search for a way to make one of them acceptable. This may not always be possible, but I find a way to do it more often than not. Creativity abounds during this process!

I could elaborate for days on this, it is such an exciting part of life. But this will be the end of what turned out to be only a two-part series. Oh well, let's not waste space.


Defining preferences and giving myself what I need lead to a deeper understanding of my identity and my connectedness with the world. Have fun doing it, y’all! And share a little bit about who you are with someone else today!

Best wishes…

Friday, January 11, 2008

Take Care ~ Part 1

I’ve decided to start a little series on taking care of ourselves, a practice I’m desperate to improve in my life. I spent so many years trying to take care of myself using methods like eating, isolating, and watching television. Of course, these behaviors provided the escape and comfort I needed at the time but proved to be only temporary balms for a deeper wound in my soul. I wasn’t aware of what I needed do to heal that part of me, so I plunged deeper into darkness and sorrow every time my attempts at self care failed.

Years of blogs could be devoted to the subject of self care. In fact,
www.firstourselves.com, offers just that: a treasure trove of information and motivation to care for yourself (directed at women, but men could definitely find it helpful, too). It is one of the sites that inspired me to start this one. Kudos!

To limit the scope of this discussion, I’ll focus on two main ideas that have greatly enhanced the way I take care of myself:
(1) Knowing what I want/need
(2) Acting out of preference, not fear

Taking care of myself requires that I know what I want/need. I used to believe that I did not know. Now, I see that deep inside, I contain a wealth of knowledge about who I am and what I need and want. These desires are strong when I allow access to them, but all too often, I dismiss my own desires, believing that the needs or wants of others might be more appropriate.

Attraction to the desires of others is not bad. By examining the way they care for themselves, I can expand my range of coping mechanisms and learn what may or may not work. I also learn how to help those I care about. But if I notice myself acquiescing too much to other people’s plans and never offering my own ideas, I have to pull back and remember what I enjoy. Resentful feelings toward my friends or the activities we do together throw up a major red flag here. I must remain in touch with what feeds MY soul so that I can feel whole when I join others in their pursuits.

The fact is, only I can give myself what I truly need, either directly or by asking for it. No one else might know that I need anything unless I speak up. My needs are just as important as everyone else’s. A drained and empty spirit limits my ability to give to others.

Recognizing the legitimacy of my needs and wants enables me search for what those needs and wants specifically are. Accepting that I have needs gives me the freedom to pinpoint and name them. Once I can identify a need, I can ask for it. I may be able to provide for myself, or I may be able to ask someone else for help. So I begin by asking questions like these:

What am I craving?
What makes me feel good? Is it a place, an activity, something someone says, another person or object?
Where do I feel safe?
What puts a big smile on my face?
When do I feel tension-free?

Ah, to figure out what I want…a never-ending quest…

Identifying wants is a process and, when focused on specific things, translates into outlining my preferences. That brings me to the second important facet of caring for myself I promised to discuss: acting on preferences, not fears. But that can wait until next time. Here’s a preview:

Preference = Because I like this best, I choose it.
Fear = Because I fear this most, I do not choose it.

Ta ta for now!

Monday, January 7, 2008

Into the Darkness

Okay, so the last post wasn't entirely accurate. Sometimes, my life does flow downhill, smooth and easy. But what I really wanted to say was that I am convinced that my life will not end in a worse condition than where it started. I'm progressing, not regressing; entering a place of light and freedom, not darkness and confinement.

But sometimes darkness is fun. Sometimes, I long for darkness more than anything. I think that many of my most creative ideas emerge from the shadowy places. I often find more rest there than anywhere. Oftentimes, "dark" things in my life move into the light, and sometimes I see "lighter" things in a darker sense. Recognizing the ever-changing brightness of these life elements adds depth to my existence. I understand the world in a different way when looking up from the valleys than I do when looking down from the mountaintop.

Right now, I feel like entering the shady places. A lot of it has to do with wanting someone to notice that I have gone down into them. I have only once had the experience of someone noticing when I became truly depressed and disconnected. This was in high school, when my eating disorder was first uncovered. Unfortunately, even when my disorder was noticed, I felt it was not handled with love and care, but with fear and control on the other party's behalf.

Since then, I have recovered and relapsed a few times, all without a word from me or anyone in my life. I don't know definitively if anyone ever noticed, but I am certain that no one ever said anything to me about it. The only acknowledgement of any changes in my life have been from people remarking on how good I looked after losing weight. I was never congratulated for gaining weight or socializing (two very difficult things for me). No one ever asked me why I stopped showing up to club meetings or gatherings of friends. No one called to check, and no one ever mentioned a thing about changes in my appearance or the reprehensible state of my living quarters.

Returning to the depths of my eating disorder holds no appeal for me, really. But experiencing the helpful hand of someone reaching out to me does. Therefore, I consider unearthing disordered behaviors, wallowing in depression, and disengaging from social activity simply to facilitate the fantasy of someone's attention. I imagine someone realizing I have not called or been seen in weeks, and that person reaches out to me somehow. Once they point out my absence, I am able to cry in front of him or her. I allow arms to encircle me. I allow someone to help me. In short, I want to experience help, so I want to put myself in a position of needing it.

Here's the rub. I also resist help. Therein lies the other half of one of my cyclical push-pull scenarios. By calculating a relapse, I'm going against the natural ebb and flow of life. If I do relapse, perhaps it would be a natural thing. However, I do not believe such a regression is in the cards. Needing help is, though. Going into the darkness is certain. It happens. I never need to force it.

Why not take advantage of moments when I need help and ask for it? That way, I don't have to open the door to full-on relapse to experience the joy of someone noticing and helping me. I don't get to choose what area I'm weak in at any given moment. I'm aware of them, and I can transcend them. But sometimes I need help, even in silly things.

So, into the darkness I fall. Perhaps I will ask for help today. Perhaps not. I will try to envision success, even though that vision still looks blurry and vague.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Perfectly Cheesy Life-as-River Metaphor

My life is like a river, winding its way through the wilderness. Its shores ebb and flow with the seasons; it finds its way through obstacles. Everything that happens and everything I do changes its path, and I leave each redirection behind, accepting the way the river then flows. I ride with it, recognizing where past decisions have led in order to move beyond them into whatever lies ahead.

I am convinced that my river does not run downhill. That's right. My life defies the laws of nature, if only in its metaphoric form. This single image helps me make it through tonight. I continue flowing, despite whatever stumbling blocks I hit in recovery. My life moves on, and I can go to bed an empowered woman, even if I did not live most of the day like one. Food, social, and personal choices need not limit where I can go now, in this very moment.

The beauty of who I truly am and the majesty that is the rolling river of my life easily transcend the momentary darkness of any action. And the darkness of those actions never squelches the light of other, brighter ones. I can see quite a few flickers of light in this day.


Life is full and joyous. I can choose that life by fully expressing myself through whatever means I find. More specifically? In the upcoming weeks, I hope to play my music in public more often.


For now, I write this post, embrace my body and its changes, and remember all the reasons I love myself just as I am. Everyone deserves that kind of love because everyone is exactly as they should be right now. We are enough. I am enough.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Couple of Links

It's a true joy to be in recovery. Even though I'm not perfect, I'm doing well. Sharing that joy seems to prolong my motivational fire. So, seeing as I'm in a positive, giving spirit today, I'd like to share a few little places I like to go to stay on track and happy. Enjoy!


http://www.inspirationpeak.com/ - Great for uplifting quotes, affirmations, and other writing. Check out what "The Universe" has to say and smile :)

http://planetsark.com/ - SARK inspires me to be creative and also has some links to other fantasic sites. (I use the "Ask Jupiter" section of SARK's Studio more often than I like to admit for decision-making purposes.)

Crackin' me up lately:

http://indexed.blogspot.com/ - I visit it every work day for a little pickmeup.

http://www.clarkmade.com/ - This is real, y'all. Wish I had such artistic talent! You can buy his stuff or see it in a gallery.

There are too many more to count, but hopefully I'll eventually post most of them! For now, though, I sense an early bedtime coming on. Care for yourselves. Much love!